The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond

Amazon.com

Are you now, or have you ever been, in relationships with family, friends, or mates who have been verbally abusive? Is your happiness with someone you love continually threatened by interactions that continually undermine your self-esteem? Do you feel trapped in a relationship that keeps decaying in a downward spiral of overt or passive-aggressive abuse?

If so, this book could be your life raft, either carrying you toward repair of the existing relationship or the effects of past relationships or offering liberation from your current confusion. Its practical approach can help clear your head and possibly change your life. The only criticism that I and other readers have is that the author assumes verbal abuse is almost always directed by males toward females, which, in my experience and that of others I know, is not necessarily the case. Highly Recommended.

Book Description

If you or someone you know answers "yes" to one or more of the following questions, this book is required reading:

Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week?
Does he deny being angry when he clearly is?
Do your attempts to discuss feelings of pain or emotional distress leave you with the feeling that the issue has not been resolved?
Do you frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses, as though you were each speaking a different language?

Almost everyone has heard of or knows someone who is part of a verbally abusive relationship-if they're not involved in one themselves. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll find validation and understanding-it's "not all in your head"-and encouragement for your efforts to change the situation. In this expanded second edition, author Patricia Evans explores the damaging effects of verbal abuse on children and the family, and offers valuable insight and recommendations to therapists, as well as those who seek therapeutic support.

Customer Reviews:

What a horrible piece of bitterness.......2007-09-22

I read this entire book at my wife's request - but the book was thrown against the wall more than once. I guess if you listen to this pompous and self-righteous author, that makes me an abuser. Of course, her main point was that if I am a man, I am an abuser. You could hear the bitterness of her probably coming from a bad relationship.

Of course women love this book. According to his author, a women is not responsible for her own happiness, her husband is. You don't have to get very far into the book to see her ridiculous list of things that identify an abusive husband - she's not happy, she doesn't feel understood, she is confused, her husband gets angry, her husband doesn't tell her his feelings, her husband tells her his feelings.

Then you go on to some more indicators. What "red flags" should a woman look for to call her husband an abuser? If he brings her gifts, if he takes her to a nice restaraunt, if he says he loves her, if he doesn't understand her, if she doesn't understand him, if he talks to her, if he doesn't talk to her, if he asks her if everything is OK, if he pays too much attention to her, if he doesn't pay enough attention to her.

Then this author goes on with the feel-good psycho-babble. If you feel it - it is true. Do you feel alone - you have been abandoned. Do you feel sad - you are abused. Do you feel like you don't understand your husband - you are being deceived.

How did she get the information for this book? By talking to women - only women. Not one single man. She didn't determine if what the woman was telling her was accurate or a complete fictional account. Why wouldn't she talk to men? Because we're all abusers - why would she waste her time talking to any of us. This bitter lady is a certified man-hater and it appears to be her goal in life to break up as many marriages as possible.

She offers about 3 pages on how to keep a relationship together - but not before telling the woman that the only real solution is to leave your husband if he is an abuser - and we're all abusers. She goes on and on about how there is almost no chance whatsoever salvaging a marriage, so you might as well divorce your husband and live alone for the rest of your life.

This is a horrible hate-filled book and it saddens me how many marriages this bitter woman will destroy.

Finally.......2007-09-11

My daughter said, "How does one study verbal abuse? The abuser denies it". So, this book is soooo helpful in describing the situation. Finally, someone understands! The author puts into words experiences so many have, yet cannot share. Not being able to share and be understood is a prison to the soul. The author also has some answers, and I'm sure more will come, even from the reader! If you think you're crazy, the "only one" who is unable to relate to your spouse, or a failure as a woman/spouse, a must read!

Relationship analysis.......2007-08-30

This book is very "text bookish" and I feel it would be beneficial to have written this book as more of a story line and not so much repetition. I was hopefull that Patricia could have focused more on the "abuser" becoming less abusive and more cooperative with his mate. I do like the short questionares she recommends to take to determine an abusive status in a relationship. There is truely much to gain by this book, but I feel a more personable approach would have been better.

This Book Saved My Life...........2007-08-12

With friends and family trying to convince me to stay with my husband...because he was the life of the party, so sweet and kind to them, and because I would be homeless and penniless if I left...
This book saved my life. I went from a "full-of-life" woman to a weak and depressed shell-of-a-person. I was so sad and exhausted from his verbal abuse that I didn't want to go on living.
So here I am, homeless and penniless..with nothing but the clothes on my back and Patrica's book under my arm. At least I know I am not crazy and that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
With all my heart...thank you.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse.......2007-08-10

Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

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OH MY GOD...
Malignant Self Love
Vaknin and MSL -- A lifesaver
Read It And Weep
It's worth every penny

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
Sam Vaknin
Manufacturer: Narcissus Publications,Czech Republic
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 8023833847

Book Description

When the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances - we say that it is disordered. Such a person takes behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from others. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated. His True Self is dilapidated and dysfunctional. Instead he has a tyrannical and delusional False Self. Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. He cannot love others because he cannot love himself. He loves his reflection, his surrogate self. And he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards, a striving, a drive at something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change cannot live.

The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take center stage, instead. The Narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the Narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of the word.

He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, the narcissist feels, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.

The main body of research about Narcissism is surveyed in the book.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited offers a detailed, first hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It contains new insights and an organized methodological framework. The first part of the book comprises more than 100 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) regarding relationships with abusive narcissists and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Customer Reviews:

OH MY GOD..........2007-09-19

My mother-in-law is literally in the center of a Narcissistic Rage...now! My husband and I have been weathering this abuse alone for years. Only recently has the abuse begun to extend to our children and for the first time we have stood our ground rather than make excuses for her behavior...and the Injury-Rage cycle was triggered. My husband's brother was so taken aback by this rage that he now sees her abuse for the first time clearly (although since he had become a new parent he had begun to suspect the depth of her problems). Unfortunately, 80% of the family still are under her spell.

We are now simply waiting the days for our permanent banishment from the family to occur. We have openly requested to attend counseling with both parents (making the request with witnesses present as recommended). Both my husband and his brother have little hope that she and my father-in-law will respond. Sadly, the other members of the family do not find it suspicious that she once played out this same scenario 18 years ago when she severed all ties with her own brother-in-law and his family...while my father-in-law just watched it happen. He only recently had contact with his brother at their father's funeral and following his mother's surgery. No one else either makes the connection that she has often lamented that her own parents never cut ties with her own abusive eldest brother (my husband is the eldest son) and the reason the she has no friends today is that she ceremoniously cut ties each time a conflict occurred. Just two days ago, she made the public spectacle of declaring my husband (and myself by extension) as source of all her woes. Characteristically, the family was called together at half past midnight by my father-in-law on the premise that "mom is having a nervous breakdown". When everyone was gathered (the original family since spouses of course needed to stay home with children), it quickly became clear that it was simply a venue to declare how my husband is driving her over the edge with his cruelty and to list the unjust pain she has suffered over the years from him (forgetting that for 10 of the last 17 years my husband has been either out the state or out of the country...man, we're more effective that the CIA). Luckily the scene was so absurd as to fully awaken my brother-in-law and allow us to finally identify our situation overtly and concretely.

The point is...we are actually doing quite well. Thanks to Vaknin's writings. We know what we have and are facing (again we have been aware of her degeneration for some time but have been unable to properly cope since we could not understand what was attacking us). Thanks to Vaknin's blog, we now have the support of my brother-in-law and his wife. It has allowed us to identify the shadows that have been haunting us. We will do what we can to salvage relationships and the family, but we are now fully confident in our decision to do what we must to protect our children from involvement in her disorder. And it is an overwhelming relief to know that my brother-in-law agrees that all decisions now must be based on the children, even if it means accepting the permanent rejection of relations with their grandparents. (We had already solidly decided the children will no longer be allowed unchaperoned in her presence).

I found Vaknin's book Malignant Self Love wholly by accident. I was looking for an author I once heard in an NPR interview years ago. Her book was on sociopathy and I have quoted her often...and more so lately while talking with girlfriends about how it seems EVERY family has a "nutty Aunt Martha" and making "my nutty mother-in-law" jokes trying to cope with our degenerating situation. I had finally decided to find and buy that book since I have wanted to read it for so long. Vaknin's book came up in the search and again in the "people also bought" section. I read the reviews last week, nagging suspicions began and then two days ago was The Spectacle.

OH MY GOD...it was EXACTLY like what the reviews reported. Vaknin's book is in the mail now and his Blog has helped us more that I can express. Though we are in the thick of it and at the lowest point of her disorder, my husband and I are actually personally in a very good place. Our decisions now can be made with certainty...for the first time in several years...and we are no longer facing the unknown.

The 5 stars are based on the Blog (which I have cross referenced with my brother's wife who is a family counselor). I am confident that the book's quality will be consistent with both the Blog and 50 other 5 star reviews.

Malignant Self Love.......2007-08-02

If you read only one book on narcissism it should be Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin. As a Ph.D. psychotherapist, I have read many books on narcissism but none of them have contained as much insightful information and done so with such incisive clarity as Malignant Self Love. Sam Vaknin gives the reader what they would never get from the narcissist, and that's an intimate understanding of who they really are and why they do what they do. We all should be deeply grateful to Sam Vaknin for exposing the painfully confusing and profoundly complex truths contained in the mind, psyche, and behavior of the narcissist; doing so not merely as an observer or gatherer of information on this subject but from the dark depths of what it is to actually be one. By writing this brilliant book for others to learn from, Sam Vaknin provides us once more with what we would never authentically get from the pathological narcissist, compassion and generosity.

Vaknin and MSL -- A lifesaver.......2007-07-10

Like the myriad of other reviewers raving about this book, I too have been victimized by a classic narcissist.

Being a PhD-trained psychotherapist myself did nothing to help me in my downfall. In fact, it may have even hindered me, because I stubbornly refused to obey what all my healthy instincts were screaming (get out!), and I continued to extend compassion, patience, and tolerance long after what good boundaries would otherwise dictate.

My brief story first, then why I like this book.

My classic (somatic) narcissist was typical. I met her 7 months after the demise of my marriage (from which I had not yet fully recovered), and she was the perfect balm. Kind, loving, attentive, mirroring me oh so well. Coupled to considerable beauty and charm, I was pretty strongly hooked. I was aware from very early on that there was a certain larger-than-life (i.e., phoney) flavor to her. But I didn't want to look too hard at that. Had I have been more healed, undoubtedly I would have.

For the first 18 months, a honeymoon phase existed, although there were already clear warning signs, e.g., unmitigated rages over my efforts at saying "no" from time to time, a fundamental disinterest in getting to know me in any deep sense, vitriolic criticisms of many persons we crossed paths with. Her use of the word "weak" to describe persons in general. Telling too, was the need for constant excitement and the chronic mention of variations on the word "boredom" whenever life was merely routine.

It was a rude awakening to be shifted from primary narcissistic supply to secondary narcissistic supply. Compliments dried up, sex dried up, emotional intimacy dried up. Within a few months of this, I discovered a passionate affair (which ended the relationship), that so seduced the poor sap that he proposed marriage after 4 weeks. He was bewildered worse than me when she suddenly dropped him to come back to me. Promises of renewed efforts at our relationship, balancing give and take, improving of communication skills were the tools which seduced me the second time. The honeymoon lasted for about 4 months this time, then once again I fell into an ancillary role in the relationship. It took 14 more months of tolerating numerous lies, and on my part, nagging, begging, arguing, and looking for some shard of empathy from her for me and my giving and supportive role.

Sam mentions the "Stockholm Syndrome", (where the victims become enamored of their kidnappers). As a behaviorally-trained psychologist, I prefer to think in terms of reinforcement. Variable ratio reinforcement (i.e., the abuser randomly throws the victim and occasional bone) is the schedule that produces the highest rate of responding in the victim--AND is the most difficult to extinguish (end or escape from). Think of a slot machine. Narcissists are experts at reinforcing only intermittently. Few are as frequent at it as a Las Vegas slot! For those of you out there who are suffering, it may help you to appreciate that you're not crazy or weak. Most people can be seduced into unexpected behaviors by the powerful shaping of this type reinforcement. Then when YOUR drug (reinforcement) is cut off, expect to suffer greatly.

We come to Vaknin. I believe that his phenomonological analysis of the mind of the narcissist is outstanding. I am able to understand EVERY nuance of my ex's behavior. Things that absolutely puzzled me, like referring to herself in the third person when asking for physical comfort when sick. The feast to famine sexual behavior. The lack of any relationships with adults. The apparent contradiction of volunteer work--which puzzled me. All of these behaviors are crystal clear to me now after looking through the lens that Sam provides us with.

The book gets four stars only because I consider his etiology to be incomplete--which I believe he acknowledges. My ex DID however have the classic picture. A smothering, overly indulgent mother, and a clearly personality disordered--mostly absent alcoholic father. However, I am aware that most modern models of human behavior are multifactorial. I'd like to see an effort at this in Sam's book, and less psychodynamic/object relations theory. We have a long way to go hammering out this disorder.

Finally, I'd like more on treatment. I can't of course fault Sam for his dismal picture of treatment success. I am well aware from my own practice that narcissists only show up briefly (usually due to a crisis). They soon discover that they are smarter than the therapist(!)-- who may or may not have a role in effectively recharging their battery, and depart in short order.

I'd like to see a controlled study done using the Marsha Linehan's DBT methods. There is substantial research showing significant improvement in Borderline Personality Disorder which likely also has a very early childhood factor. There is enough overlap between the disorders I believe to warrant a closer look. The unfortunate mitigating variable is lack of interest on the part of the Narcissist! One of the last things my significant other said to me was, "I'll never go to psychotherapy, being with you has convinced me that THAT'S useless!" Fair enough. I will now do my own therapy for the trauma and abuse. I'm staggered with how damaged I am from this experience. Thank you Sam--and even you the reviewers--for your shared experience. You've been a lifesaver.

I consider the two negative reviews on here to be without substance. We ALL wish that the picture was better. Vaknin is telling it like it is. I'd very much like to read a book or study some day that shows clear evidence of recovery from this pernicious disorder. I'm sure many of us would. At least I have a substantial chance of healing and recovery. I believe my ex's to be infinitely more abysmal.

Read It And Weep.......2007-07-03

Thank you everyone else who reviewed this book. I read it online too. It is the bible for all victims of Narcissists...so I am ordering it from Amazon today. Like one of the other reviewers...I am divorcing a Narcissist who 'up and left' me for another victim (after writing me a gorgeous Valentines Day card)...brilliant really. This new girl is all too willing to provide him with a constant stream of 'Narcissistic Supply'...just how long she will be able to keep it up is anyone's guess...I did it for 15 years...His first wife did it for 6. I knew I was in the soup when I finally put my foot down and started to realize that perhaps it wasn't 'me' after all...I demanded that he make some changes and take responsibility for his actions...He would have laughed except that he has no sense of humor. Handsome, cool, edgy geniuses don't need one! I was 'gas-lighted' through and through and now I am suffering from a kind of Post traumatic Stress...almost like 'Stockholm Syndrome' where your captor gives you a delicious bit of reprieve from the psychological torture and allows you to 'bask in his glow' for a little while until he inflicts the next punishment or abandons you! Watch the Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer version of the movie 'Gaslight'! Order it on Amazon! After he dumped me and left me with $300,000.00 worth of debt, I wrote a long letter to the 1st wife apologizing to her! (I was HER replacement!...I sure got mine...) I told her of my findings. She was unbelievably GRATEFUL and said my clarity finally got her out of therapy! I have had many experiences in my life...some very difficult...but to be conned at the level of love (marriage and children) is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks for listening!

It's worth every penny.......2007-06-03

If you do a google search, you can get the online copy downloaded as well...he is "the" resource for narcisissism, and this book explains a lot of the abuses of narcissists, it's the thing you can't put your finger on in the relationship...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Average customer rating:

This Book Explained SO MUCH about abusive relationships
I don't understand why he treats me this way. He say he loves me.
important information for victims and advocates
Best book on abusers - EVER!
Every Woman needs to Read This Book!

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Lundy Bancroft
Manufacturer: Berkley Trade
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0425191656
Release Date: 2003-09-02

Book Description

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely

Customer Reviews:

This Book Explained SO MUCH about abusive relationships.......2007-10-05

There were two messages that impacted me the most. First, that many things abusive men do to their partners are practically invisible due to the pervasive chauvinism and misogyny that is considered acceptable in our society. Second, the abusive and controling male needs to present himself as a puzzle that needs to be solved: it's a trick that keeps their partner occupied with guessing about what he'll do next instead of just leaving.

It was the hiding of their true agenda that kept me in a relationship with a couple of abusive males much longer than I should have stayed. I thought I could uncover what "really made them tick" by sticking it out with them. Then I figured that once I resolved the mystery of his disturbing, hostile and angry behavior we could live happily ever after.

This is the first book that helped me through my fantasy of believing I could "rescue" this kind of person from himself. I'd give it the highest rating for that alone. But there is so much more helpful information here that confirmed what I'd feared about them that I'd say this is a must-read for any woman confused about why she's not happy with her partner but feeling it's all her fault. Great as a gift!

I don't understand why he treats me this way. He say he loves me........2007-09-23

If you've ever asked that question, then this is a book for you. It is very comprehensive in covering the multitude of reasons and justifications employed by abusive, controlling men. These types of relationships are killers, and getting help is critical to your well being.

Emotional and verbal abuse were areas of great interest to me and includes degradation, humiliation, keeping in control in all situations, withholding information to maintain control, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, and employing great guilt to paralyze and immobilize the victim from acting in a healthy way.

The confusing and detrimental thing in my life was that the abuser worked in a capacity which protected the rights of victims. The hypocrisy of it had me in denial for sometime. Ultimately it took others to tell me I was living in a hell created by an animal who said he loved me several times everyday.

This book was a Godsend to me. If you even think you are in one of these relationships, read this book.

important information for victims and advocates.......2007-09-10

I work for a domestic violence provention and service program. I have given out hundreds of copies of this book. I refer to it often. One of the best books on the "why" that has been written

Best book on abusers - EVER!.......2007-09-05

I have recommended this book to countless people and time and again, they are amazed at what they read. It validates the crazy experiences they have endured with partners or ex-partners and helps them understand that they are not the crazy one in the relationship. They are being systematically manipulated and beaten down, emotionally, mentally and perhaps physically, and their power is slowly being taken away from them.

Lundy succintly explains how abusers operate to gain power over their partners, using a range of crazy making words and behaviors. This book changed the way I look at and relate to abusive individuals and helped me have less compassion for them - which is/was a healthy thing.

The only problem I have with the book is that it focuses mainly on men as abusers b/c there tend to be more men who are abusers. In my experience women can also be mentally and psychologically abusive to their male partners (and others) although they are less likely to become killers of their partners- as too often male abusers can. Women are quite capable of becoming entitled, demeaning and threatening toward others when they don't get what they want.

Still, overall, this is THE finest book on abuse/abusers I have read and I have read a lot of them.

Every Woman needs to Read This Book!.......2007-09-01

This is the BEST book yet on the subject of abusive men. The author knows and teaches about the BS abusers use to manipulate those around them and goes into depth (but not too deep) about their reasoning for such BS and helps the woman understand that she isn't imagining, making things up or whatever reason is given by an abuser to continue his nonsense. I'm buying many copies as presents for people I care about. The book worth every penny! Don't hesitate to purchase!!! My most heart felt gratitude to Mr. Bancroft for taking the time to write this important work.

Whether in an abusive relationship or not, EVERY woman needs to read this book if not for her own relationship, then to help a woman she probably knows who is in one or to avoid future abusive relationships. There should be a course in high school to teach students about this sort of thing and this should be the text book. I saw abuse already happening to young girls when I worked in our local school. It's time we got serious about stopping it instead of looking away. This book would go a long way to accomplishing that.

The Daughters of Juarez: A True Story of Serial Murder South of the Border

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Daughters of Juarez
Compelling story, purple prose delivery
Daughters of Juarez
Compelling read, but with reservations
Thrilling Read

The Daughters of Juarez: A True Story of Serial Murder South of the Border
Teresa Rodriguez , Diana Montané , and Lisa Pulitzer
Manufacturer: Atria
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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ASIN: 0743292030

Book Description

Despite the fact that Juarez is a Mexican border city just across the Rio Grande from El Paso, Texas, most Americans are unaware that for more than twelve years this city has been the center of an epidemic of horrific crimes against women and girls, consisting of kidnappings, rape, mutilation, and murder, with most of the victims conforming to a specific profile: young, slender, and poor, fueling the premise that the murders are not random.

Indeed, there has been much speculation that the killer or killers are American citizens. While some leading members of the American media have reported on the situation, prompting the U.S. government to send in top criminal profilers from the FBI, little real information about this international atrocity has emerged. According to Amnesty International, as of 2006 more than 400 bodies have been recovered, with hundreds still missing.

As for who is behind the murders themselves, the answer remains unknown, although many have argued that the killings have become a sort of blood sport, due to the lawlessness of the city itself. Among the theories being considered are illegal trafficking in human organs, ritualistic satanic sacrifices, copycat killers, and a conspiracy between members of the powerful Juárez drug cartel and some corrupt Mexican officials who have turned a blind eye to the felonies, all the while lining their pockets with money drenched in blood.

Despite numerous arrests over the last ten years, the murders continue to occur, with the killers growing bolder, dumping bodies in the city itself rather than on the outskirts of town, as was initially the case, indicating a possible growing and most alarming alliance of silence and cover-up by Mexican politicians.

The Daughters of Juárez promises to be the first eye-opening, authoritative nonfiction work of its kind to examine the brutal killings and draw attention to these atrocities on the border. The end result will shock readers and become required reading on the subject for years to come.

Customer Reviews:

Daughters of Juarez.......2007-10-03

Daughters of Juarez is a disturbing story, but it is a true account of the unsolved mysteries of these young women's lost lives. It is an insight into the poverty and injustice that occurs daily in this border town and surrounding areas.

Compelling story, purple prose delivery.......2007-09-09

I would have to agree with the previous reviewer who said that the story was compelling and important, but the overlong purple prose descriptions of what the families went through and the overly dramatic descriptions of the situations, with speculations on what everyone was thinking mar an important and compelling book.

Some straight crime reporting, an analysis of the facts and maybe some more social analysis (for instance, how do the drug culture, the male dominated hispanic culture, the pervasive corruption of the border towns, etc. contribute to this holocaust against women) would have helped a lot.

Still, there is not much written about this problem, which if it were happening here or in any first world country, would be page one news everyday, so the book is valuable.

So, good subject and investigative reporting marred by overly dramatic writing.

I would recommend it, you can skip over the long emotional descriptions of background, thoughts and other contrived elements.

Daughters of Juarez.......2007-08-26

I live in El Paso and have followed much of this in the newspaper including the two Bus drivers, The FBI coming to help, etc. Now I know it was all lies.

Mexico has been called the most corrupt nation on earth and I've heard the stories and now I see it in action. I have too many chilling stories direct from American victims of the Juarez Police to share here.

This corruption has spread to El Paso with corruption in the Border Patrol, the government, the police and I'm not just saying this, I've talked to people and have examples both from the Newspaper and people in the know. The FBI has been conducting an investigation into the El Paso government for several months and people are going to jail. Halleluiah!

Personally I've been afraid to go across the Border for years based on these stories and now I'll be spreading the word. Do not go into Mexico!

This book hits hard with details that would make a strong man cry. The horrible end to young lives, the Police laughing at parents asking for help and the intimidating of helpless mothers who might "know too much", the framing of innocents, The corruption of "investigations" run by incompetents.

This book is an indictment, a denunciation of a government and society gone terribly wrong. Bribes are necessary just to get your TV cable hooked up and this pattern of behavior climbs to the very top.

I hope this book helps but in a society that accepts incompetence and corruption as a given I have my doubts. If Mexico is to change it must come from the bottom and it is so instilled in the poverty stricken common people to not make waves how can we expect them to effectively rise up. But enough publicity might send the rats scurrying, we need more books and TV exposes like this.

Compelling read, but with reservations.......2007-08-09

The Daughters of Juarez, by Teresa Rodriguez (with Diana Montané and Lisa Pulitzer), chronicles a series of horrific murders of young women (and teens) in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, over the last fourteen years, the law enforcement/governmental response to them, and the myriad theories as to the perpetrator(s). Over this period, a good part of 400 poor women were raped, tortured and killed, then dumped in desert areas and vacant lots around the city. The book details a rich tapestry of police and governmental brutality, corruption, blatant sexual discrimination, disregard for public safety, and just plain incompetence.

Although many suspects have been charged and held, it is doubtful that any of the murders can ever be considered legitimately solved because of this pervasive and persistent institutional dysfunction. In fact, one can say that this is a glaring example of how not to run a criminal justice system. It's heartbreaking to consider that the families of these slain women will never see justice done. Additionally, it must have been so frustrating for those in law enforcement and government who made efforts to run effective investigations, only to be stymied at every turn by the very system they should have been able to trust, forced out of their jobs because they wouldn't falsify results or analyses, or even physically threatened.

Daughters is definitely a compelling, true tale and Rodriguez does a service to those affected by these horrors by airing them for everyone to examine. The book, however, suffers from a lack of organization: Rodriguez bounces around dates, people and events so much so that it's hard to keep them all straight. Also, she makes a point of maudlin over-description of the women and their families so as to make them more sympathetic. This in my mind is unnecessary; most people will find the thought of someone (not to mention hundreds) being subjected to the extreme violence that these women experienced and the grief (on multiple levels) that their loved ones were forced to endure to be inconceivably horrible - no matter who the reader is. I also think Rodriguez could have used some citations to support what must have been years of research and investigation. In the end, I would recommend this book as a real eye-opener, but with these reservations.

Thrilling Read.......2007-08-05

I stumbled onto The Daughter's of Juarez after having a discussion on the term femicide (the act of killing a woman is a more generic term but this term is often applied to specific mass killings of women). In Juarez, Mexico women from all social classes and with distinctly different family ties have been going missing. Now and then bodies (and the occasional mass grave) of women that have been sexually abused and mutilated show up. The Daughter's of Juarez explores the lives of these missing women, the media blips that have occurred as a result, the political turmoil caused over these cases, as well as the possible answers to what has happened to so many women. After reading about this I was horrified by what had happened and because I had never heard of anything about this prior to the reading. A thrilling and exploratory read of the lives of women in Juarez, Mexico as well as a look at the relations between the U.S. and its border neighbor.

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This book was a "gift!"
A Gift of Fear
Trust Your Instincts!
Recommended reading
A Book for the Gullible and Fearful.

The Gift of Fear
Gavin De Becker
Manufacturer: Dell
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Mass Market Paperback

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ASIN: 0440226198
Release Date: 1998-05-11

Amazon.com

Each hour, 75 women are raped in the United States, and every few seconds, a woman is beaten. Each day, 400 Americans suffer shooting injuries, and another 1,100 face criminals armed with guns. Author Gavin de Becker says victims of violent behavior usually feel a sense of fear before any threat or violence takes place. They may distrust the fear, or it may impel them to some action that saves their lives. A leading expert on predicting violent behavior, de Becker believes we can all learn to recognize these signals of the "universal code of violence," and use them as tools to help us survive. The book teaches how to identify the warning signals of a potential attacker and recommends strategies for dealing with the problem before it becomes life threatening. The case studies are gripping and suspenseful, and include tactics for dealing with similar situations.

People don't just "snap" and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. "There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil." Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to preventing it. De Becker is a master of the psychology of violence, and his advice may save your life. --Joan Price

Book Description

True fear is often a signal that can save your life.  Are you listening?

The baby-sitter you've just hired makes you uneasy--what should you do?
You sense you are being followed --do you confront the stranger...or run?
A fired employee says "You'll be sorry"--should you take him seriously?
A person in the elevator you are about to enter just doesn't look right--do you wait for the next car?

A date won't take "no" for an answer.  The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling.  A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help.  The threat of violence surrounds us every day.  But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust--and act on--our gut instincts.

In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation's leading expert on violent behavior, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger--before it's too late.  Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, including...how to act when approached by a stranger...when you should fear someone close to you...what to do if you are being stalked...how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls...the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person...and more.  Learn to spot the danger signals others miss.  It might just save your life.

Customer Reviews:

This book was a "gift!".......2007-10-04

I've read this book three times now, and each time I read it I uncover more and more incredibly helpful advice and wisdom.

I think it's a mistake to focus on the author's alleged "anti-gun" bias - out of a 400+ page book, that's discussed for perhaps 5 or 6 pages, at most. I don't really think the author sounded "anti" gun at all, either - it seemed to me he was advocating caution rather than an outright ban on the use of guns for personal safety. Considering that most women don't have the time or financial resources to learn how to use and purchase a gun, who cares, anyway? The point seems irrelevant to me.

I frankly don't care whether or not his crime statistics can be backed up by research, either - what difference does it make to know exactly how many people were assaulted or murdered in a given year? One is too many, and if this book can help save one person from harm, or even death, what does it matter whether the person was one of 1,000 or one of 10,000?

Finally, someone mentioned that reading this book would cause people to become more fearful. For me, the opposite was true. I'd been having some trouble with an individual I tried "to let down easy." He just can't seem to let go, and I used to worry a lot about what was going on. I often felt afraid - afraid because I never knew when he might try to contact me again, afraid because I never knew what he might do next. I recently reread the book, though, and now, instead of worrying about the situation, I find that I can relax. I trust that my intuition will let me know if there's something that I really do need to be afraid of - and I now know I will be able to take action to protect myself accordingly.

I haven't felt this good in quite awhile, and I'm truly grateful to Gavin DeCker for this "gift" - the gift of the ability to live my life now without fear.

A Gift of Fear.......2007-10-01

This book was recommended by a presenter at a statewide safety conference in Missouri. I purchased and read the book. I believe that it will be very beneficial to our staff with regard to keeping their intuitive senses sharp. School violence is a topic of critical importance. Our district purchased enough copies to provide every staff person with their own copy. Mr. de Becker uses his experiences to tell us how to keep our senses sharp. I recently conducted a professional development session using his book as background information.

Trust Your Instincts!.......2007-09-25

Gavin de Becker has written an excellent book on intuition and how it can help you stay safe. This is simply the best book on this topic. This book describes ways to listen to those small messages. The author uses numerous real incidents to illustrate the principles he discusses. If you are looking for a comprehensive self-defense book, this is not it, but if you are looking for a definitive study of intuition and how it can help keep you safe - then this is the book!!

Recommended reading.......2007-09-25

This book is 400 pages full of informations about you and how others perceive the world around you.

Good that the author goes deep into the issue, quoting also Robert Hare's precious work:

"The ability to act in spite of conscience or empathy is one characteristic associated with psychopaths. Robert D. Hare's insightful book 'Without Conscience' identifies several other features. Such people are: - Glib and superficial - Egocentric and grandiose - Lacking remorse or guilt - Deceitful and manipulative - Impulsive - In the need of excitement - Lacking responsibility - Emotionally shallow. Many errors in predicting behavior come from the belief that others will perceive things as we do. The psychopath described above will not."

And there are so many examples out there, from burglars to politicians and right into your TV set, every day.

A Book for the Gullible and Fearful. .......2007-09-02

I am a law enforcement officer and have worked the streets in the Southern California area for almost 20 years. I read this book and would NOT recommend it to anyone. I have the 1997 edition and it was given to my by a friend to read and review.

First, the book promotes an anti-gun bias and the author wastes no time in alleged gun violence statistics he provides but interestingly never cites his sources to support them. Here's an example, "In the last two years alone, more Americans died from gunshot wounds than were killed during the entire Vietnam War."

De Becker never cited which last two years so I assumed it was the years 1995 and 1996. Per Wikipedia, 58,209 brave American soldiers were killed in the Vietnam War, 153,303 wounded and 1,948 missing. I checked FBI crime statistics under the combined category of murder/non-negligent manslaughter rates for the years of 1995 and 1996. In 1995, there were 21,665 murders and in 1996 there were 19,645 murders for a total of 41,310 well short of 58,209 soldiers killed in the Vietnam War.

He further compares United States crime rate to Japan's crime rate. A nation of over 260 million (1995 statistics) versus a nation of 126 million(1995 statistics)is not a fair comparison. Is Japan a safe country? Not really, as you are more likely to commit suicide in Japan. Japan's murder rate average 0.9 per 100,000, but its suicide rate is 20.3, for a combined rate of 21.1 per 100,000. The U.S. murder rate average 7.4 per 100,000, and the suicide rate is 12.0, for a combined total of 19.4 per 100,000. Thus, the combined murder and suicide rates in Japan and the U.S. are nearly equal even though firearms are virtually non-existent in Japan.

He then claims, "By this time tomorrow, 400 more Americans will suffer a shooting injury and another 1,100 will face a criminal with a gun as Kelly did. Within the hour, another 75 women will be raped as Kelly was."

I tried finding statistics for the above quote but could not find any data that supported his claim. What I did find was that Prof. Gary Kleck from the School of Criminology, Florida State University, discovered Americans use firearms to prevent crimes approximately 1 to 1.5 million times per year. These are the very cases De Becker ignored. Had De Becker considered these facts, he would have had to conclude a firearm in the home makes a family and a person safer.

Prof. Kleck also discovered that robbery victims who defended themselves with a gun suffered lower rates of injury than did those who resisted without a gun, or even those who did not resist at all and instead complied with the violent criminal's demands. In short, Prof. Kleck concluded the private ownership of firearms deters criminal behavior. (Source: "Crime Control Through the Private Use of Armed Force" by Gary Kleck

Here's another fabulous claim by De Becker." In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board and that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn't equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year.

Per Wikipedia, the Boeing 747 is commonly nicknamed the "Jumbo Jet and depending on layout can hold between 417 and 524 passengers. I did not include the flight crew. Let us do some math. 417 x 12=5004 and 524 x12=6288. Now according to De Becker 417 to 524 plus women are murdered each month by their intimates.

In 1996, approximately 1,800 murders in the US were attributed to intimates; nearly three out of four of these (1,326) had a female victim the rest were male victims! (Bureau of Justice Statistics) Now 1326 divided in 12 is 110.5. Not the 417 to 524 plus murders De Becker claims to occur monthly.

De Becker is alleged to be a security expert but I could not find anything on his training and experience as a 'security expert." What makes him a security expert? I found his bio on the Internet and it cites his awards but nothing on his background, training or expertise. I could only find that he now resides in Fiji with seven adopted children. I guess he's so scared that he left the United States. I would like to know how many hardened criminals the author has arrested,confronted or fought in his lifetime.

I was very disappointed that a highly regarded author and "security expert" distorted facts and failed miserably in citing any sources for his alleged facts in his book. What else did he distort in his book? He sets the reader up(especially women) to be in fear then offers his solution to the reader to rely on your "gift of fear" or your inner self or gut feelings. This book provides the reader with a false sense of security. If you want to protect yourself you better learn how to fight with and without a weapon.

In my opinion, this book is for the gullible and the fearful. It provides the reader with no alternative but to rely on the alleged gift of fear or intuition to protect you. Fear is not a gift and will get you killed. If you are in a state of fear, your body will shutdown and you will not be able to fight back. You should always know your surroundings and rely on common sense. You should also train your body and mind for physical combat. Seek out experts in firearms instruction and in the combat arts. Always fight back and never give up! Which martial art should you study? For the beginner, I would suggest the Israeli martial art of Krav Maga as it provides the student with a combat mindset.

Here's a true life story. In the early 1990's, I took a criminal report for a young female school teacher in which her former boyfriend threatened to kill her. She had obtained a restraining order against him but it did little to stop his ongoing verbal threats. Her boyfriend was arrested several times but was released within a few hours. This kept him away for a time but did not stop the verbal threats. She was very concerned that he was going to kill her and that nothing was going to stop him. She lived alone in a rural area and asked me if she should buy a handgun. I told her yes but only if she obtained firearms training. I introduced her to a fellow officer that worked weekends as a certified firearms instructor at a private range. She immediately received firearms training that weekend from that officer, purchased a handgun, and became very proficient with her handgun (women tend to be excellent shooters). About two months later, her boyfriend was back at her home armed with a knife, she grabbed her 9mm handgun and escaped through the rear door of her home. He broke into her home and went after her. He was about 50 yards away threatening to kill her when she took a defensive posture, pointed her handgun at him and told him to stop. He refused and ran towards her with the knife in his hand. In self defense, she fired about four shots at him and killed him. This was an unfortunate incident that the young lady had to go through but she used common sense and training to protect herself. She was not arrested and the local prosecutor determined that she acted in self-defense. She trained her body and mind for combat and it saved her life. I am glad that I had a very small part in saving that young lady's life. Remember: The Gift of FEAR=False Evidence Appears Real.

For those of us that believe in the Almighty God, here's a scripture to remember. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.) 2 Timothy 1:7

Rural Women Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)

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Rural Women Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)
Neil Websdale
Manufacturer: Sage Publications, Inc
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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Ordeal

Accessories:

ASIN: 0761908528
Release Date: 1997-11-11

Book Description

Addressing a significant void in the extant literature on the topic of domestic violence, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System presents a thorough and arresting look at the experiences of battered women in rural communities. While living in the rural areas of Kentucky, Neil Websdale conducted his ethnographic research, and he situated the voices of rural battered women at the center of his ethnography. He clearly demonstrates how rural patriarchy and the insidious "good ol’ boy network" of law enforcement and local politics sustain and reproduce the subordinate, vulnerable, isolated position of many rural women. Taking into account that traditional patterns of intervention can often put women in isolated communities at further risk, the author recommends a coordinated multiagency approach to rural battering that is spearheaded by state feminist agencies. The chapter on the difficulties of an educated male researcher working with rural battered women offers a definite methodological plus. Illuminating and accessible, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System makes a most important and timely contribution to the field.

An excellent training resource for anyone working with battered women, especially in rural areas, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System is highly recommended for law enforcement and criminal justice professionals, practitioners, advocates, shelter personnel, and advanced students in related courses of study, as well as academics and researchers.

Solving Tough Problems: An Open Way of Talking, Listening, and Creating New Realities

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Listening and generative dialogue
Enables deeper connections across communities
Jerry's review on Solving Tough Problems
Not sure what I was expecting
Building bridges

Solving Tough Problems: An Open Way of Talking, Listening, and Creating New Realities
Adam Kahane
Manufacturer: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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ASIN: 1576752933

Book Description

Adam Kahane spent years working in the world's hotspots, and came away with a new understanding of how to resolve conflict in a way that seems reasonable - and doable - to all parties. The result is Solving Tough Problems. Written in a relaxed, persuasive style, this is not a "how-to" book with glib answers, but rather, a very personal story of the author's progress from a young "expert" convinced of the need to provide cold, "correct" answers to an effective facilitator of positive change - by learning how to create environments that enable new ideas and creative solutions to emerge. The book explores the connection between individual learning and institutional change, and how leaders can move beyond politeness and formal statements, beyond routine debate and defensiveness, toward deeper and more productive dialogue. Both tough and inspiring, the book explores models, technologies, and examples that foster and facilitate "dialogues of the heart."

Customer Reviews:

Listening and generative dialogue.......2006-08-14

Adam Kahane (2004) said that a friend of his told him that the old "1960s slogan `If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem' actually misses the most important about effecting change. The slogan should be, he said, `If you're not part of the problem, you can't be part of the solution.' If we cannot see how what we are doing or not doing is contributing to things being the way that they are, then logically we have no basis at all, zero leverage, for changing the ways things are--except from the outside, by persuasion or force" (pp. 83-84).

Any problem is part of a system, in other words, and if we are experiencing the problem, then we must, by definition, be a part of the problem. This book explores this concept and provides many tools and examples to help resolve conflict through deep listening and generative dialogue.

Enables deeper connections across communities.......2006-07-11

Mr. Kahane's book is the tip of the iceberg - a great start for someone looking for reflective practice that provides the skills and methods for addressing difficult challenges - individually and organizationally. The perspectives in Solving Tough Problems are from the heart, and present a valuable contribution to the growing awareness of how social technologies can provide containers for creating new realities...definitely recommended!

Jerry's review on Solving Tough Problems.......2006-03-17

At last! An easy to read book true to Bohm's vision of dialogue that will begin moving the subject from an esoteric phenomenon to a practice attainable by many. This book should not be considered as a primer on dialogue that could replace works such as "On Dialogue" or "dialogue, the art and practice of thinking together", rather it presents the author's experience in practical application of many of the concepts and principles discussed in those earlier works.

Not sure what I was expecting .......2005-12-31

I was expecting much more from this book,at times it seemed to be the author's bio instead of giving/sharing the best practices of how to go through an approach in solving difficult issues.

Building bridges.......2005-08-12

In a world beset by problems, this book offers real hope. Adam Kahane shares the techniques he has used in many of the world's trouble spots to bridge differences, establish a genuine conversation among adversaries, and create a positive future. This is not an academic book. It's based on real experience. Wherever we are called to end conflict, heal differences, and build collaboration we can learn from its lessons.

Redemption: The Last Battle of the Civil War

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A Needed Corrective
Last Battle?
A needed corrective to the Reconstruction story
Mississippi Burning
America's Own Terrorists

Redemption: The Last Battle of the Civil War
Nicholas Lemann
Manufacturer: Farrar, Straus and Giroux
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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ASIN: 0374248559
Release Date: 2006-09-05

Book Description

A century after Appomattox, the civil rights movement won full citizenship for black Americans in the South. It should not have been necessary: by 1870 those rights were set in the Constitution. This is the story of the terrorist campaign that took them away.

Nicholas Lemann opens his extraordinary new book with a riveting account of the horrific events of Easter 1873 in Colfax, Louisiana, where a white militia of Confederate veterans-turned-vigilantes attacked the black community there and massacred hundreds of people in a gruesome killing spree. This was the start of an insurgency that changed the course of American history: for the next few years white Southern Democrats waged a campaign of political terrorism aiming to overturn the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments and challenge President Grant’ssupport for the emergent structures of black political power. The remorseless strategy of well-financed “White Line” organizations was to create chaos and keep blacks from voting out of fear for their lives and livelihoods. Redemption is the first book to describe in uncompromising detail this organized racial violence, which reached its apogee in Mississippi in 1875.

Lemann bases his devastating account on a wealth of military records, congressional investigations, memoirs, press reports, and the invaluable papers of Adelbert Ames, the war hero from Maine who was Mississippi’s governor at the time. When Ames pleaded with Grant for federal troops who could thwart the white terrorists violently disrupting Republican political activities, Grant wavered, and the result was a bloody, corrupt election in which Mississippi was

“redeemed”—that is, returned to white control.

Redemption makes clear that this is what led to the death of Reconstruction—and of the rights encoded in the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments. We are still living with the consequences.

Customer Reviews:

A Needed Corrective.......2007-04-11

Nicholas Lemann's book "Redemption: The Last Battle of the Civil War," focuses on mostly forgotten and often sanitized versions of specific incidents that marked the end of Reconstruction and the regaining by White Southerns of state and local government institutions leading to Jim Crow and Segregation that continued for another 90 years or so. The book, relatively brief, examines in detail several incidents, one in Lousiana, the others in Mississippi where local vigalante groups seized control from local black officials through intimidation and massacres. It is perhaps not coincidential that the worst offenses took place in Mississippi, and perhaps some sort of rough justice that in exchange Mississippi remained for decades afterwards on the lowest rung of the ladder among the states in nearly every social and economic ranking.

Much of the book is through the eyes of one Adelbert Ames, a Union general, senator and governor of Mississippi, as revealed in the copius correspondence with his wife, Blanche Butler, who most of the time remained at home in the North. Because of weariness of the part of the North, insufficient troops, deliberate foot-dragging by US officials sympathetic to the South, and indecisiveness on the part of President Grant, these events from 1874-76 were allowed to precede with little intervention and protection of Black citizens. In effect, the withdrawal of Northern troops in 1877, the result of a compromise that ended the electoral stalemate in the Hayes/Tilden presidential election of 1876, overturned a major achievement of the Civil War, namely full citizenship and voting privileges for former African slaves. The result was another dark stain on American history and our pretenses of a just and equitable society where everyone has the chance to be president.

Because of its brevity, the book suffers from a lack of context of how overall Reconstruction had proceeded in the South, it's weaknesses and its victories. The book also would have been improved through a map, particularly Mississippi and the various places where the rampages of the vigantes took place. Another improvement would have been photographs of the several colorful characters portrayed. But all in all, for a brief look at an important moment in American history, the book is highly recommended.

Last Battle?.......2007-03-14

The subtitle is a little bit of a cheat, for the Civil War was long over by the time the massacres of 1875 began, but after reading Nicholas Lemann's book on the failure of Reconstruction and the life of Civil War General Adelbert Ames, I can see why he decided to bend the truth and capture the huge Civil War market.

he shows how JFK was a patsy to the Southern Conservative myth of Reconstruction and how, in PROFILES IN COURAGE (1956) Kennedy included Lucius Lamar of Mississippi as an avatar of courage, when in actuality he was a liar and a bigot and was personally responsible for the deaths of thousands of Mississippi freedmen. What was JFK thinking? Well, as Lemann points out, this was not an anomaly in Kennedy's otherwise antiracist public profile. Indeed it was part and parcel of his curiously suspect voting record and public stand towards the race question. It was as though, in the polarized 1950s, he had to keep the Southern Democrats happy in order to win their support for the campaign he saw coming his way. PROFILES IN COURAGE dismisses Adelbert Ames, Lemann's (admittedly flawed) hero, as a mere carpetbagger, not worthy of living in Mississippi, a `foreigner' and an Abolitionist. The strange thing is that, he lived so long (at age 98, he was the oldest surviving Civil War officer) his daughter Blanche was on hand to shame Kennedy into agreeing to change future editions of PROFILES. Then her years of disappointment began, for even though Senator, and then President Kennedy, had agreed to re-research Reconstruction, he never did, and when she kept bugging him he enlisted the help of her grandson, "Paper Lion" George Plimpton, to call his honorable kinswoman off his back. Of course all of these people had incredible privilege and wealth.

A needed corrective to the Reconstruction story.......2007-02-24

Having lived in the South for the first 21 years of my life, I can attest to the staying power of the myths of Reconstruction and the succeeding era which I was taught to call Redemption.

The central motif of these myths is that of courageous, heroic whites finally standing up to a brutal Northern occupation, but turning to violence only when physically threatened.

Some prominent historians -- Eric Foner in particular -- have been forthright and comprehensive in setting out the true facts. In my readings, there have been two aspects still missing from such large-scale works. First of all, a visceral, detailed accounting of the intensity of white-on-black violence has been needed. Second, we have lacked a nuanced, detailed biography of Adelbert Ames, perhaps the best exemplar of the promise interracial cooperation held for the South.

In "Redemption", journalist Nicholas Lemann makes an attempt to remedy both these insufficiencies in a narrative aimed at the non-specialist reader. Instead of giving us a comprehensive study of how integrated southern state governments were driven from power, Lemann chooses instead to focus primarily on the single example of Mississippi, with some inclusion of parallel events in neighboring Louisiana. And the story of Reconstruction Mississippi cannot successfully be understood without considering the career of New Englander Adelbert Ames, a Union veteran who became first the state's senator and then governor during this period.

Lemann recounts instance upon instance of politically-inspired and deadly violence that steadily drove Republican voters, especially blacks, from the polls. While many leading white Democrats maintained deniability and claimed that such attacks were rare and always provoked by the other side, and while President Grant's commitment to federal protection decisively waned, Governor Ames cast off his naivete and tried to counter with what forces he could muster. But without timely federal intervention, this proved an impossible task. Ames was finally forced to face facts, and he resigned the governorship and left the state for good. The Solid South was born with violence as midwife.

Lemann's choices mean that he needs to do three things well. First, with respect to bringing home the intensity, pervasiveness, and comprehensive effects of the violence, Lemann is especially convincing, at least within Mississippi (and to a less significant extent Louisiana). Second, his incorporation of an Ames biography is in itself valuable and multi-faceted. But it doesn't serve as a full-fledged biography due to the author's chronological boundaries. We do learn of Ames' background and his significant relationships with others, most notably his wife and father-in-law; these are important in understanding Ames' behavior in Mississippi. But for Ames' life after Mississippi, Lemann takes only a cursory wrap-up approach.

Finally, we should expect Lemann to do a convincing job of integrating these two intersecting narratives. In this he is largely successful. But there are moments when his attention to the details of Ames' life, while welcome to this reader, may yet seem only remotely relevant to the larger story of the Redemption era.

In 1933 Adelbert Ames became the last Civil War officer to die. The myths of Redemption have lived on long after, and Lemann's book is a significant contribution to puncturing those myths and establishing the truth.

Mississippi Burning.......2007-02-09

This is a story on how government failed, how the civil rights of freed slaves and blacks became a political playground of hate and deceit and how victory on the battlefield was lost to thugs & cowards. It clearly shows how history can be manipulated by the criminals who ushered in a sordid era of Jim Crow laws while others looked away.

Author Nicholas Lemann does a magnificent job in detailing the death of Reconstruction through white terrorism in Mississippi in the 1870s, which emboldened the white racists throughout the south to institute what became known as the "Mississippi Plan" of intimidation and murder to seize power in every government institution and to kick blacks back into servitude.

The heroes are the victims - the blacks and some white Republicans - who boldly stood alone while the mobs seized control in a revolution of aversion, and then afterwards wrote the articles and books, whose key lies are still being taught as factual history today.

You will be angered as Lemann explains as a reporter how Reconstruction was lost. But then look around, and realize that the subtitle, The Last Battle of the Civil War, may be incorrect. Unless this country confronts the harsh realities of the past, the last battle of the Civil War has yet to be fought, or won.

America's Own Terrorists.......2007-02-04

In this short historical account, Nicholas Lemann tells the disturbing story of how ex-confederates in Mississippi brought about the end of Reconstruction in 1875 through an orchestrated campaign of savagery and deception.

The "Mississippi Plan" employed an ugly and brutal pattern: when freed slaves attempted to exercise their political rights--by convening political rallies, becoming candidates for office or simply trying to vote--southern whites responded with hellish violence, not merely fighting the freed slaves, but coldly murdering them in front of friends or family or, worse, hunting them down if they fled.

To justify their heinous conduct, the whites invented an emotionally laden cover story that, to this very day, resonates among the American public. In their view, the violence was necessary to forestall imminent "Negro uprisings," prevent rape and pillage by brutish and bestial blacks, and redeem the honor of the south from the depredation of northern carpetbaggers who seized control of the political system by duping or bribing the newly freed slaves.

The key to the Mississippi Plan was the public relations tactic of presenting the organized slaughter of blacks as random local incidents, a tactic that discouraged President Grant from sending federal troops to secure the rights of the newly enfranchised citizens. Absent this safeguard, the intimidation worked, and the Democrats won control of key offices, despite significant Republican majorities among registered or potential voters. With the outcome of the presidential election of 1876 in dispute, the nation embraced the "Compromise of 1877" in which the Democrats agreed to let Rutherford Hayes become president and the Republicans agreed to the removal of the remaining federal troops from the South. Reconstruction was over.

Much of this tale is told through the eyes of Adelbert Ames, a Northerner and celebrated Union Army general who was elected Governor of Mississippi by the multitude of new black voters. Sometimes the book reads like a biography of Ames. Only at the end does Lemann step back from the detailed account and provide the larger picture of how the "Mississippi Plan" became the blueprint for the entire Southern strategy to end Reconstruction and how the nation shamefully abandoned its commitment to true citizenship for blacks.

As I read "Redemption," a profound sense of disgust and outrage rose within me. So horrific, repulsive, and needless was the conduct of the Southern Democrats that, at times, I felt Lemann must have been omitting facts that would have balanced the story. But this is precisely Lemann's point: when Southerners today celebrate the honor and courage of Dixie, they are endorsing a fiction that was invented in 1875. There was no honor, only terror of helpless black victims.

We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda

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Compelling
Will really let you see into this tradgedy.
The Heartbreak of Hate
Excellent Book
Heartbreaking stories from Rwanda

We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda
Philip Gourevitch
Manufacturer: Picador
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0312243359

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"Hutus kill Tutsis, then Tutsis kill Hutus--if that's really all there is to it, then no wonder we can't be bothered with it," Philip Gourevitch writes, imagining the response of somebody in a country far from the ethnic strife and mass killings of Rwanda. But the situation is not so simple, and in this complex and wrenching book, he explains why the Rwandan genocide should not be written off as just another tribal dispute.

The "stories" in this book's subtitle are both the author's, as he repeatedly visits this tiny country in an attempt to make sense of what has happened, and those of the people he interviews. These include a Tutsi doctor who has seen much of her family killed over decades of Tutsi oppression, a Schindleresque hotel manager who hid hundreds of refugees from certain death, and a Rwandan bishop who has been accused of supporting the slaughter of Tutsi schoolchildren, and can only answer these charges by saying, "What could I do?" Gourevitch, a staff writer for the New Yorker, describes Rwanda's history with remarkable clarity and documents the experience of tragedy with a sober grace. The reader will ask along with the author: Why does this happen? And why don't we bother to stop it? --Maria Dolan

Book Description

Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award for Nonfiction.In April 1994, the Rwandan government called upon everyone in the Hutu majority to kill each member of the Tutsi minority, and over the next three months 800,000 Tutsis perished in the most unambiguous case of genocide since Hitler's war against the Jews. Philip Gourevitch's haunting work is an anatomy of the war in Rwanda, a vivid history of the tragedy's background, and an unforgettable account of its aftermath. One of the most acclaimed books of the year, this account will endure as a chilling document of our time.

Customer Reviews:

Compelling.......2007-09-22

My prep for going to Rwanda was reading this book. This is a snapshot of the state Rwanda was in during the 100 days and the aftermath. However, much has been done to repair the damage. This is a time of reconciliation and healing. Go to Rwanda and see for yourself. It will change your life.

Will really let you see into this tradgedy........2007-05-29

What a great book. Such insight and it really helps you understand what happened in Rwanda. Especially the history of all the long ago violence and things that have happened over the years. Great book and a must read for everyone.

This could happen everywhere or anywhere in the world. Can really open your eyes into how much we all could be killers or saviors at any one time.

Highly recommended.

The Heartbreak of Hate.......2007-04-10

Gourevitch's jarring telling of the atrocities of hate hit with an imact of severe sorrow. The overwhelming scale of the murders in Rwanda are incomprehensible. It is sad to realize that in this age people allow hate and propoganda to rule their lives.

Excellent Book.......2007-03-27

This book was very well written and informative about the genocide that occurred in Rwanda.

Heartbreaking stories from Rwanda.......2007-03-19

This is a superb book, a collection of interviews and incidents from the genocide in Rwanda. There are portraits of unimaginable betrayal, brutality and horror, but also of heroism--the owner of the Hotel Rwanda, for instance. The description of the conduct of the "refugee" camps is particularly useful as a warning on what is likely to happen in the next crisis, and should force us to re-examine our ways of providing relief for people in distress across the world.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Average customer rating:

Save your money for Lundy Bancroft
Abusive relationship no more
decent text on an important subject
Uncertain about your relationship? Good read to identify emotional abuse, but look elsewhere for help
Comprehensive, serious, deep, yet light reading

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Beverly Engel
Manufacturer: Wiley
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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