Amazon.com
This grandfather of all people-skills books was first published in 1937. It was an overnight hit, eventually selling 15 million copies. How to Win Friends and Influence People is just as useful today as it was when it was first published, because Dale Carnegie had an understanding of human nature that will never be outdated. Financial success, Carnegie believed, is due 15 percent to professional knowledge and 85 percent to "the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people." He teaches these skills through underlying principles of dealing with people so that they feel important and appreciated. He also emphasizes fundamental techniques for handling people without making them feel manipulated. Carnegie says you can make someone want to do what you want them to by seeing the situation from the other person's point of view and "arousing in the other person an eager want." You learn how to make people like you, win people over to your way of thinking, and change people without causing offense or arousing resentment. For instance, "let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers," and "talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person." Carnegie illustrates his points with anecdotes of historical figures, leaders of the business world, and everyday folks. --Joan Price
Book Description
YOU CAN GO AFTER THE JOB YOU WANT...AND GET IT! YOU CAN TAKE THE JOB YOU HAVE...AND IMPROVE IT! YOU CAN TAKE ANY SITUATION YOU'RE IN...AND MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU!
For more than sixty years the rock-solid, time-tested advice in this book has carried thousands of now famous people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives.
Now this previously revised and updated bestseller is available in trade paperback for the first time to help you achieve your maximum potential throughout the next century! Learn:
* THREE FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
* THE SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
* THE TWELVE WAYS TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
* THE NINE WAYS TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT AROUSING RESENTMENT
Customer Reviews:
Life's a Stage..........2007-09-30
Wow..."A Reader" seems extraordinarily bitter...
Every day you go to work, you are on a "stage"...as in "It's show time, folks!" The working world is highly competitive, and a necessary tool to all but guarantee your success is deception. This book/author teaches the art of deception. Whether or not the reader chooses to use this information to his/her advantage is a matter of personal choice.
This book has a purpose, and successfully presents that purpose, hence the four-stars...
BORING.......2007-09-18
...I put the book down after 3 chapters, and haven't picked it back up since. Go with "7 Habits..." by Covey and/or "The Four Agreements" (Author skips my mind)
Impressive!.......2007-09-09
I finally can win many friends and influence people! Another bestseller that I recommend - How to be a Super Hot Woman: 339 Tips to Make Every Man Fall in Love with You and Every Woman Envy You
Interesting book.......2007-09-09
We dont realize that many people want the same things that we do.I purchased this book to become more social. I have learned more than I expected.
Great!.......2007-09-09
Timeless advice and a charismatic delivery make this book enjoyable and likely to be acted on and revisited throughout your life. It will open your eyes wider, and give affirmation to mankind. Some reviews are all rah-rah, but I find the book is at times gleefully manipulative and uses only the best examples of its principles in action -- there's no guarantee you will make that sale, or that person will become your friend -- but it is worthwhile information and certainly is inspiring. It's definitely worth the price, and if you order through Amazon, it was a five star shipment for me.
Book Description
What's the quickest way to ruin a friendship? Do great friendships have anything in common? Are close friendships in the workplace such a bad thing?
These are just a few of the questions that #1 New York Times bestselling author Tom Rath asked when he embarked on a massive study about the impact of friendships. Along with several leading researchers, Rath pored through the literature, conducted several experiments, and analyzed more than 8 million interviews from The Gallup Organization's worldwide database.
His team's discoveries produced Vital Friends, a book that challenges long-held assumptions people have about their relationships. And the team's landmark discovery - that people who have a "best friend at work" are seven times as likely to be engaged in their job - is sure to rattle the structure of organizations around the world.
Drawing on research and case studies from topics as diverse as management, marriage, and architecture, Vital Friends reveals what's common to all truly essential friendships: a regular focus on what each person is contributing to the friendship - rather than the all-too-common approach of expecting one person to be everything.
The book includes a unique ID code that provides access to the Vital Friends Assessment and website. This groundbreaking test reveals which friends play each of the eight vital friendship roles in your work and life.
Tom Rath's fast-paced and inviting storytelling takes a mountain of important research and makes it remarkably accessible and applicable. By the time you finish reading Vital Friends, you'll see your coworkers, family, friends, and significant other in a whole new light.
Customer Reviews:
Interesting read, not lots of depth.......2007-08-14
In Vital Friends, Tom Rath makes two main points.
* One is that having friends at work is very beneficial to the employer. With a best friend at work, you are much more likely to be productive. Without a best friend at work, there's only a 1 in 12 chance you'll feel engaged! With three good friends at work you are 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with your life. (All the numbers are from a Gallup poll.)
* The second point he makes is that you can't expect all your friends to be all things to you. He says different friends fullfill different needs and describes the different types of friends:
o Builders
+ Motivators and coaches
+ They push you
+ They know our strengths
+ They provide moral support
o Champions
+ Stand up for you
+ Sing your praises
+ "Thrive on your accomplishments and happiness"
o Collaborators
+ Share similar interests, ambitions and passions
+ Do a lot with you
o Companions
+ Always there for you
+ Make sacrifices for you
+ First person you call
o Connectors
+ Always introduce you to others
+ They seem to "know everybody"
o Energizers
+ Your "fun friends"
+ Make good days, great
+ People you call to have a good time or to relax with
o Mind Openers
+ Ask good questions
+ People you share ideas and express yourself outloud with
o Navigators
+ Give advise
+ Steer you
+ Share dreams and goals
Interestingly, he says that in friendships we don't play the same role to each other. So you might be a mind opener to your friend and your friend might be a champion for you.
This book was an easy and interesting read. You can easily read it in a day. (I read it on a two hour plane ride.) However, I would have liked a lot more detail and depth.
Friends--- More Than Just a "Good Idea".......2007-07-20
I've heard of good friends, close friends, old friends, casual friends, best friends, even "just" friends, but I had never heard the word "vital" to describe friends until this book. And that is exactly what Tom Rath proceeds to explain, that having friends, real, meaningful engaged relationships, is absolutely vital to our health, our well-being, and our personal and professional success. Not "a good idea" or "important" but actually "vital"- absolutely necessary.
He starts the book by stating that so much of the focus on personal and professional success is on self-improvement. But is that really the key? His answer is, "The energy between two people is what creates great marriages, families, teams, and organizations." In fact, his first chapter is entitled, "Who Expects You to be Somebody?" where he wisely observes that it is almost always the influence of meaningful people in our lives that drives us to achievement.
The second chapter, "The Energy Between," discusses how, "Focusing on the individual is too narrow -- and focusing on the entire group is too broad. The real energy occurs in each connection between two people, which can bring about exponential returns." His next chapter, "Better than Prozac?" cites some interesting research, including a Duke University study showing people with less than four close friends had more than double the risk of heart disease.
The most helpful concept he develops in the book is that of "the rounding error" in chapter 5. It is easy, he says, to expect a friend to be "well rounded"-- in other words, to be good at everything: inspiring us, being a companion to us, giving us an energy boost, expanding our horizions, and a dozen other different things. This often subconscious expectation is both unrealistic (no one person can meet all our relationship needs) and a potential relationship killer, both in friendships and in romance and marriage.
In a similar vein, he warns us of expecting friendships to be "reciprocal." In other words, I may be an energizer to my friend, but he may be a mind opener for me. Expecting to receive the same of what I give to a friend again is both unrealistic and a potential relationship killer. I surmise that is why the Duke health research found that it takes at least four close friends-- because different people will speak different things into your life, and you need different kinds of friends to have well-balanced friend "nutrition" for your soul, just as you need different foods from different groups to give your body what it needs.
The second part of the book goes into more detail about the vital importance of friends at work, citing both anecdotes and research. The final part of the book more fully develops his system of eight vital friendship roles:
Builder
Champion
Collaborator
Companion
Connector
Energizer
Mind Opener
Navigator
He discusses how these roles differ and how to develop these roles both in your life and in the lives of your friends. The book also gives you an access code to a website where you can take a survey to help classify your own friends as to the roles they play in your life.
I realized the importance of my friends before I picked up this book. But after reading Vital Friends, I had more appreciation of my friends, new insights into the nature of our friendships, and greater skills & determination to develop our friendships further.
Why network?.......2007-07-17
The bookstore shelves are filled with books about "networking" which cover how to meet more people and not alienate them too much, and possibly how to have them help you get a job. This book is a leap above the usual networking books by discussing the different ways that people can be helpful to your life. It divides relationships into eight categories (potentially limiting but also useful...you've got to start somewhere). It tells you how to identify each type, what each group can do for you, how to find more of this type, and how YOU can be one of them (which beats a million vague exhortations that "networking is a two-way street"). The research is focused on "business friendships" but can easily be extended to purely business relationships as well as social or even family ones. Basically, this book takes networking from "what" and "how" to "who" and, most importantly, "why?"
Thinking about friends.......2007-05-28
My book club read Vital Friends last week. The men responded well to it; the women seemed lukewarm. All of us liked the book's values.
Rath's survey study reveals surprising connections between productivity and policies promoting friendship at work. Rath also developed a structure for analyzing dynamic components common among friends, a structure available on-line.
Our book club men found the analysis especially revealing when applied to their personal lives. Our women were less inspired, perhaps because thinking about friendship was not such uncharted territory.
I liked Vital Friends much better after talking about the issues it raises. The bottom line: thinking aloud about friendship is important to both private and public well-being.
Friends At Work.......2007-05-09
Learn how valuable your friends are, and then go one step further by developing friendships with your co-workers.
Average customer rating:
- P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!
- Wasted time and money
- A complete waste of time and money
- Very Basic
- Reviews by Nan Kilar and Bobby Miller
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How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends
Don Gabor
Manufacturer: Fireside
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ASIN: 0684868016 |
Book Description
For nearly twenty years, small-talk expert Don Gabor has helped thousands of people communicate with wit, confidence, and enthusiasm with his bestseller How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends. This new edition brings the art of having a conversation up to date.
By following the simple and dynamic guidelines in this easy-to-read book, you'll be ready to strike up a great conversation with anyone anywhere! And you'll learn how to keep the conversation going by asking the right questions, using body language effectively, and avoiding conversation pitfalls. Packed with charts, hundreds of opening lines, real-life examples, FAQs, helpful hints, and solid professional advice, How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends shows you how to:
- Identify your personal conversational style
- Talk to people from other countries and cultures
- Avoid mistakes while on a mobile phone or on-line in chatrooms
- Boost your personal and professional speaking skills to the next level
Customer Reviews:
P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!.......2007-08-18
Another awsome book for women which I love and recommend - How to be a Super Hot Woman: 339 Tips to Make Every Man Fall in Love with You and Every Woman Envy You
Both books are a must read!
Wasted time and money.......2007-01-18
If you can open your mouth and words come out. Then you already do as this book say's. Very little info, if any at all. One star because he took the time to write something.
A complete waste of time and money.......2007-01-04
I bought this book on the strength of several other reviews and its rating, but I don't think I have ever been so disappointed in a book in my life. This should be titled, "The Absolute Moron's Guide to Conversation". There is nothing in here that anyone with the most rudimentary social skills doesn't already know.
Wow, I didn't know that I shouldn't call people when they are in a movie theater, or that discussing death is poor social etiquette at a party. And what isn't obvious is patently ridiculous.
I teach English conversation skills to non-native speakers and was hoping that I could find some tips that would help my students. Sadly, even my least skilled students would find this book far beneath them.
Very Basic.......2006-04-24
I recommend you not buy this book or cd. I listened to the CD and it was too elementary.
Reviews by Nan Kilar and Bobby Miller.......2006-03-29
I don't know what kind of verbal tight spots you find yourself in on a regular basis, but here's hoping not too many. As a political activist and writer who has been tagged by the media as "one of America's most controversial authors", I'm nearly always on the hot seat wherever I go, bathroom being about the only exception.
Gabor's book has performed equally well as a shield and a peace dove at the same time. He suggests that if you want to be a good conversationalist, you must first be a good listener. Think about that for a second. Naturally, if you really don't care what the other person thinks about you and your opinion, do as I used to do--just jump into the conversation without the slightest knowledge of the other person's beliefs and opinions. Talk about not winning friends and influencing people--that'll get the job done. Add to that the fact that most people won't tell you to your face that they think you're an obnoxious jerk; they just tell everyone else. This book will teach you how to ask closed and open-ended questions, and that alone is worth the price of the book.
Book Description
Interactions, Fourth Edition, provides a cutting-edge look at how teams of school professionals-classroom teachers, special education teachers, and counselors-can effectively work together to provide a necessary range of services to students with special needs.
This book addresses collaboration as a style, with accompanying knowledge and skills, which guides practices in many education efforts. As a result, future teachers learn how to collaborate with school professionals and families to help special education students who are more often being placed in general classroom settings.
For all educators and people interested in education.
Customer Reviews:
Unhappy with Amazon.......2007-01-22
I do not know how I got two books ordered unless it was when I was trying to do the free book offer you had. I was denied credit however. Maybe this is how it happened. I was unhappy that I had to pay shipping on the book I had to send back. I do not need two of the same book. The book is very helpful for the class I am taking I will want to keep it for reference in the future.
Arlene
very repitious.......2007-01-04
Much of the same information repeated throughout the chapters. Also would like to see chapters shifted around. didn't think the order was appropriate or logical.
Good, easy to use book.......2006-03-25
I bought this book as a requirement for a class, but am finding it easy to read and full of useful information.
Review of Interactions: Collaboration Skills for School Professionals (4th Edition).......2005-10-01
This book does make some important points about teaming, but is generally a waste of time and money. It is filled with common sense information, and each chapter can be easily summarized in a few short sentences.
Interactions: Collaboration Skills for School Professionals (4th Edition).......2005-09-24
This is the book my college professorsaid we had to have for class. A fellow collegue at her previous University helped to write it. She said that she is a expert in her field. After having read several chapters of this book, I agree. This book is well written, professional, and straightforward. I will keep it for future reference.
Book Description
Leading relationship expert and bestselling author Dr. John Gottman, who has won numerous awards for his groundbreaking research, presents a revolutionary five-step program for repairing troubled relationships — with spouses and lovers, children and other family members, friends, and even your boss or colleagues at work. Drawing on a host of powerful new studies, as well as his 29 years of analyzing relationships and conducting relationship therapy, Gottman provides the tools you need to make your relationships thrive.
Introducing the empowering concept of the "emotional bid," which he calls the fundamental unit of emotional connection, Gottman shows that all good relationships are built through a process of making and receiving successful bids. These bids range from such subtle gestures as a quick question, a look, or a comment to the most probing and intimate ways we communicate. Gottman's research reveals that people in happy relationships make bidding and responding to bids a high priority in their lives, and he has discovered the fascinating secrets behind mastering the bidding process. Those who do so tend to "turn toward" bids from others, whereas most problems in relationships stem from either "turning away" or "turning against" bids for connection.
Gottman's simple yet life-transforming five-step program, packed with fascinating questionnaires and exercises developed in his therapy, shows readers how to become master bidders by effectively turning toward others. Presenting fascinating examples of bidding, he teaches readers how to assess their strengths and weaknesses in bidding, as well as those of the important people in their lives, and how to improve where necessary. He draws on the latest research to show readers how their brain's unique emotional command systems, as well as their emotional heritage — their upbringing, life experiences, and enduring vulnerabilities — affect how they make and receive bids, and how to make adjustments. He then introduces a set of enjoyable and remarkably effective ways to deepen connections by finding shared meaning and honoring one another's dreams. The final chapter offers specially tailored programs for life's most important relationships: with lovers or spouses, children, adult siblings, friends, and coworkers.
The Relationship Cure offers a simple but profound program that will fundamentally transform the quality of all of the relationships in your life.
Customer Reviews:
Abridged Audio Cassette is good.......2005-11-24
The abridged audio cassette version is very good. I found the naration very clear and pleasant. I also found the content very useful. I found the abridged content still clear with ample examples. However, I have not read the book, so I can't contrast it the to the original. This is a good audio to share with others wishing to better understand and improve their relationships. I only wish this was available on CD!
Clear guidelines!.......2002-07-12
Gottman, the leading researcher in the area of marriage and other intimate relationships, provides in this latest book a simple, yet very effective 5-step-model of enhancing and deepening your personal relationships.
This program builds upon the results of several longitudinal studies. This means, the advice offered is based not on personal opinion (like so many other authors do), but on solid research findings. Gottman starts by introducing the basic element of human relationships, the bid. A bid is any single expression that says "I want to feel connected to you". Failed bid processes are the root cause of many problems in human relationships.
The 5 step Gottman offers are:
1) Look at your bids for connection: here the reader learns to distinguish among turning-towards, turning-away and turning-against responses and their effects
2) Discover your brain's emotional commmand system: this chapter is especially illuminating because it deals with 7 emotional systems with their distinct linkages to behaviors and feelings. It demonstrates how these systems can cause problems in bidding processes
3) Examine your emotional heritage: in my opinion, this is the best part of the book. Several exercises reveal your family's way of dealing with emotions such as pride, anger, fear, and accomplishments. You beome aware of your personal way of relating to others and how they relate to your earlier experiences. Another part is devoted to your enduring emotional vulnerabilities.
4) Sharpen your emotional skills: various exercises are aimed at improving your emotional intelligence.
5) Create shared meaning: another very important part, not only for marriages. It encourages the reader to explore his and the other's personal dreams and visions. It also urges to create a deeper level of connecting by the use of rituals.
By and large, this book is an excellent example of science applied to real life. Everyone interested in improving his personal relationships should read this book!
Does It Again.......2001-08-24
This is another outstanding book by Dr. Gottman and his research team. Instead of an author giving his own personal opinions of what he thinks make good marriages, Dr. Gottman actually observes hundreds and finds what they have in common. Two major bits he observed in happy couples were paying attention to each other and elements of romance. From all the very happy couples I know, I would agree.
I'd recommend looking at The Romantic's Guide for ideas on easy ways to keep being romantic.
Superb manual for mindful relating with authentic E.Q........2001-07-14
I feel privileged to pick this book to mark my 100th review for Amazon.com. I've been recommending to numerous groups Gottman and co-authors' books, esp. the less technical ones: The Heart of Parenting (which is in Chinese also), Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
With almost 3 decades of research of actual interactions, Gottman and teams' books are always filled with vivid and enlightening examples. The touching personal stories, elucidating questionnaires, exercises and long lists of "what to do" are all helpful and practical. They hold up multi-dimensioanl mirrors to explorations. Without having to do any formal meditation, you can grow in awareness and mindfulness.
Given the plethora of popularization, it might sound trite to relate this book to E.Q. (Emotional Intelligence). But it IS one of the best books for developing mindful emotional connections. That's why I need to qualify it with "authentic E.Q.". Please note in particular "Emotional Intelligence Versus Detachment and Denial" (pp. 158-160).
Please read the informative Book Description and the review by Mitchell (one of my "favorite people"). In Step One, breaking down communication to the basic unit of exchange, "bidding", and responding (turning toward, away or against), helps one to learn HOW to behave differently instead of remaining at lofty levels of unfruitful talk about love and consideration... (This reminds one of Eric Berne's "stroking" in Transactional Analysis, most popular in the 60s & '70s. "Stroking" however, connotes more manipulation.)
The authors have done a good service to make Jaak Panksepp's pioneering studies in Affective Neuroscience accessible to readers in Step Two: Discover Your Brain's Emotional Command Systems. (It would be interesting to see if there are any correlations with the Enneagram systems, which study nine-types of personality.)
Step Three: Examine Emotional Heritage, gives a good illustration of the value of the "emotion-coaching philosophy". The other books that I've mentioned give many more examples.
Step Four: Sharpen Your Emotional Communication Skills, gives interesting coverage to sharpen sensory acuity and listening skills (much stressed in NLP, Neuro-linguistic Programming). [I personally tend to differ from the author's sweeping dismissal of "the pseudoscience of physiognomy", p. 178. I still see some value of a more scientific approach in verifying the significance of permanent features and also fleeting changes in physiognomy. Cf. My several reviews of "face-reading".]
Step Five: Find Shared Meaning, brings us beyond behaviorism and studies truly human interactions and rituals.
Detailed applications of these 5 steps are given to different relationships: marital, parental, friendship, sibling, coworker. The book is ideal for personal and shared reflections, retreats, marriage encounters and workshops. I have already been actively promoting it and sincerely hope that it will reach the best-seller list. Gottman and team well-deserve the reputation and publicity they receive. Readers will not be disappointed. Relationships not needing cure will also be much enriched. [From a Christian viewpoint, it is in relationships that we can reflect the communion and unity in diversity of the Trinity, that we continue to become the image of God, and embody the presence of Christ today. Salvador Dali's Last Supper depicted a Risen Christ without any face. It is the quality of our relationships that will show forth the face of God.]
Great Advice for Overcoming the Communications Stall!.......2001-05-22
The Relationship Cure is one of the four best books I have read about developing, nurturing, and sustaining relationships. I hope that everyone I know reads this book!
The book's focus is drawn from observations of people speaking with their family, friends, and lovers. From this work, the authors have skillfully located the mechanisms that can be used to improve connection and communication, and provide much practical coaching on what the reader should work on. Anyone who follows the advice in this book will live a life filled with much richer human connections. Think of reading this book as like having an emotional intelligence coach.
The book begins by looking at the fundamental ways that connection is pursued. People say and do things to get attention and make their needs known, which the authors call bids. "People make bids because of their natural desire to feel connected with other people." How you respond determines how well the connection develops. You can use words (like questions, statements, or comments) or actions (touching, expressions, gestures, and sounds). As step one, you are encouraged to look at your own bids for connection. You want to avoid being "fuzzy" about your purposes. This can come from being ambiguous, being a poor communicator, being negative, or not acting like it is important. When you respond to bids, use a positive stance, pay attention, interact in a high energy way, and be playful. Avoid reacting mindlessly. You are especially warned against harmful ways to respond (not being mindful of your reactions, starting on a sour note, employing harmful criticism, being overcome with emotion, having a crabby way of thinking, and avoiding conversations you need to have).
The book also explores the style you use to think about communication. You will be able to see which of 7 types you most closely fit with (commander-in-chief, explorer, sensualist, energy czar, jester, sentry, and nest-builder). You will also find how to tell if you are over or under doing it, and how to adjust. You next look at the emotional heritage of how you learned to respond to others in your family. Again, there are tools to help you change where that would be helpful.
Another section looks at reading others' emotions, naming your own feelings, using richer metaphors, and ways of active listening.
Next, you are encouraged to find places where you can share meaningful, positive connections with others . . . even if you have differences in other areas.
After you have this overview, chapter eight looks at how to apply all of these perspectives to marriage, parenthood, friendship, siblings, and co-workers.
The book's strength is that it uses examples that you can identify with. Then, rather than leaving you hanging with what not to do, the book goes on to provide alternative ways to handle the same situation. There are too many to memorize easily, but you will soon get the hang of how to compose a reaction that will be better received. In fact, you probably run into fruitless conservations with certain people so often that it would help to draft out some possible alternatives in advance. I also found the self-diagnosis exercises to be helpful. I think you will, too.
After you have finished reading this book, you must practice applying it. I suggest that you start with someone who is fairly easy to communicate with already. Later, you can go on to work with those who you have more problems with, as you develop your skill.
This book will be especially valuable to men who want to communicate in more effective ways with women. Realizing that women put out more bids for connection in many situation, this book will help men realize better ways to respond. I was impressed with how well the advice worked in my family as I followed it during the days following my initial reading of the book. Of all the things I have tried out that I have read in books, these suggestions worked our far better than most! And they made me feel a lot better and more relaxed in the process. That's a pretty nice advantage to gain from reading a book.
May you always be rich in your human connections as you desire!
Customer Reviews:
Great Book for Learning about our Mothers!.......2007-07-25
I read this book the day I received it in the mail (which was only two days after I had ordered it, by the way)! It was like reading about my life and my dealings with my mother. This book pinpoints the different ways mothers destructively rear their children. There are tons of real-life examples from women the author has interviewed. There is a section that explains why our mothers treat their children so badly. It shows who the children will become when they are adults if they do not fix their own emotional problems. I am going to treasure this book for a long time! I am loaning it to my older sister, who has the same problems with our mother. I think the two most important things I took from this book were: understanding why my mom is the way she is (because of her own childhood), and why my siblings and I do not get along very well (because our mother pitted us against each other, feeding off of our dysfunction and unhappiness). I think that I have a better understanding of how to repair my relationship with my siblings, but I don't know if I ever will repair it with my mother, even though the book does have some good ideas on how to still have at least some kind of a relationship in the end.
GREAT BOOK TO READ!!!!!!!
"Why can't she accept me the way I am?".......2007-05-01
This was an illuminating book that helped me straighten out my perspectives with relation to my mother. No matter that my mother was a very independent woman for her generation (post-Victorian) who worked most of her life, defying many stereotypes, she had real difficulties maneuvering a marriage and a child. A controller-suffocator, martyr, and frequent critic, the impact of these traits subsided when we kept a big distance between each other. But, then came the choice to desert her when she needed long-term assistance, or to try exercise my adult autonomy while I managed her care. I took on the challenge of helping her in her with her needs, as well as to challenge her to finally accept "the real me." We still had heated arguments, but I persisted in being authentic, while understanding more of her motives, thanks to this book. It made me think about my own qualities, too, realize how well I had survived my childhood! Reading this is a good way to see how your own difficulties with your mother relate to others, sometimes better or worse.
E. A. Davis, author, Waiting for Wings: Accompanying a Parent to the Edge of Life
When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life.......2007-04-03
I found this book invaluable. I read this book as if it were fiction. Each night I couldn't wait to read it. I was so relieved to hear about real life stories of other women with awful relationships with their mothers.
I found this book to be very helpful for sorting out disfunctional childhoods. For me, all the chaos was finally nice and neatly outlined and I could put everything in a box and store it away or even burn the box if I wanted. But the greatest part of all was the classification of the different ways mothers and daughters behave. All the craziness and random bad fellings finally had ownership and names. A great book for sorting every thing out.
I would recommend this book to anybody with issues with their Mothers form light to heavy, this book covers it all. Fabulous!
If you're not a boomer, this may not be for you.......2007-03-20
I am a part of Gen X (or the MTV generation depending on who you ask) and a lot of the information in this book is geared towards having been raised by a woman who considered a woman's place to be in the home. If you, like me, were raised by a woman who taught you to be all you can be, to stay independent, and who otherwise did not meet the stereotypes portrayed in this book, then it may not be for you.
This book is one of the best investments I have made in my life!.......2007-02-14
I have been in therapy for several years now, but this book recaptured for me the key issues in my life and personal growth, and I can truly say that it has immensely speeded up my recovery process! I have read a vast number of self-help books on emotional unavailability, intimacy, etc. over the years, but no other book has ever struck a chord in me like this one did! For anyone with less than a perfect mother (although the author addresses daughters, I think that the book can equally benefit male readers), it is an absolute must-read, a stunning eye-opener. It makes you truly feel that you are an individual adult who has his/her own voice and is capable of standing on his/her own feet no matter how critical, overwhelming or unloving the parents. It not only gives hope but offers highly useful tools for recovering the long-forgotten and deeply buried self inside each one of us! It really gives you a reason to get up from bed every morning!!!
Book Description
ADHD • Anxiety • Nonverbal • Communication • Disorders • Visual/Spatial • Disorders • Executive Functioning Difficulties
As any parent, teacher, coach, or caregiver of a learning disabled child knows, every learning disability has a social component. The ADD child constantly interrupts and doesn't follow directions. The child with visual-spatial issues loses his belongings. The child with a nonverbal communication disorder fails to gesture when she talks. These children are socially out of step with their peers, and often they are ridiculed or ostracized for their differences. A successful social life is immeasurably important to a child's happiness, health, and development, but until now, no book has provided practical, expert advice on helping learning disabled children achieve social success.
For more than thirty years, Richard Lavoie has lived with and taught learning disabled children. His bestselling videos and sellout lectures and workshops have made him one of the most respected experts in the field. Rick's pioneering techniques and practical strategies can help children ages six to seventeen
- Overcome shyness and low self-esteem
- Use appropriate body language to convey emotion
- Focus attention and avoid disruptive behavior
- Enjoy playdates and making friends
- Employ strategies for counteracting bullying and harassment
- Master the Hidden Curriculum and polish the apple with teachers
It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend answers the most intense need of parents, teachers, and caregivers of learning disabled children -- or anyone who knows a child who needs a friend.
Download Description
"As any parent, teacher, coach, or caregiver of a learning disabled child knows, every learning disability has a social component. The ADD child constantly interrupts conversations and doesn't follow directions. The child with visual-spatial issues loses his belongings and causes his siblings to be late to school. The child with paralinguistic difficulties appears stiff and wooden because she fails to gesture when she talks. These children are socially out of step with their classmates and peers, and often they are ridiculed or ostracized for their differences. A successful social life is immeasurably important to a child's happiness, health, and development, but until now, no book has provided practical, expert advice on helping learning disabled children achieve social success. For more than thirty years, Richard Lavoie has lived with and taught learning disabled children. His bestselling PBS videos, including How Difficult Can This Be?: The F.A.T. City Workshop, and his sellout lectures and workshops have made him one of the most popular and respected experts in the field. At last, Rick's pioneering techniques for helping children achieve a happy and successful social life are available in book form. It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend offers practical strategies to help learning disabled children ages six through seventeen navigate the treacherous social waters of their school, home, and community. Rick examines the special social issues surrounding a wide variety of learning disabilities, including ADD and other attentional disorders, anxiety, paralinguistics, visual-spatial disorders, and executive functioning. Then he provides proven methods and step-by-step instructions for helping the learning disabled child through almost any social situation, including choosing a friend, going on a playdate, conducting a conversation, reading body language, overcoming shyness and low self-esteem, keeping track of belongings, living with siblings, and adjusting to new settings and situations. Perhaps the most important component of this book is the author's compassion. It comes through on every page that Rick feels the intensity with which children long for friends and acceptance, the exasperation they can cause in others, and the joy they feel in social connection. It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend answers the most intense yet, until now, silent need of the parents, teachers, and caregivers of learning disabled children -- or anyone who is associated with a child who needs a friend. "
Customer Reviews:
Every Teacher Should Read .......2007-09-03
As I read the book I came away with loads of useful strategies to use when dealing with students that have social issues. I highly recommend this book to parents and teachers!
Another hit from Rick LaVoie!.......2007-06-27
I bought this book at the recommendation of my child's pediatric psychologist- it is a great help for parents of kids with learning disabilities and other challenges. I am familiar with Rick LaVoie from his other works and his incredible video series called "Fat City", in which he shows parents and teachers just what it is like to walk a mile in the shoes of the kids who deal with these challenges daily. I would highly recoomend both this book and the video series to anyone whose child is having trouble with social skills and/or facing a learning disability.
From a parent!.......2006-07-21
This book is what I've been looking for: a book that teaches you HOW to teach social skills and organization skills for kids that just don't pick it up from interactions in everyday life. It's made a big difference in our everyday family and school life for my 2 ADHD/LD kids. My thanks to Rick Lavoie!
Read this book!.......2006-06-18
Writing as someone who has lived with learning disabilities for nearly 50 years now, I cannot say strongly enough that I sincerely wish all of my teachers and parents had read this book. I will go a little further than that---I wish the pastoral counselor, psychologist, and psychiatrists that I have dealt with as an adult would read this book.
This book brought back memory after memory of times that I have been misunderstood (and rejected) by those around me, and also times that I have greatly misunderstood social and job-related incidents (and acted inappropriately as a result). Some of the long-lasting psychological damage that I have had as a result could have been alieviated if only those around me had been aware of the difficulties that I was having (and continue to have).
Notice that I did not say that the misunderstandings and social errors I make would have stopped. I don't think they would have.
The book does not offer any cure-alls. Its biggest contribution is to increase the understanding of the social ramifications of learning disabilities. I have found that very few normal people have any understanding of this at all; and their response can be quite damaging.
Good as far as it goes.......2005-12-24
This book provides what sound like good tips for helping a child struggling with social skills. Whether they work, I really can't say, as applying everything here would be the work of a lifetime.
My major complaint about the book is the lack of research showing that this approach really works. Lavoie mentions research findings in one or two places in the text, but mostly he seems to be relying on his own experience working with kids. This is supplemented with what he admits is nothing more than "conventional wisdom" and "generally accepted rules of thumb". Some of Lavoie's "conventional wisdom" struck me as highly unlikely, such as his statement that child development is generally smoother in larger families. The research I've seen on the subject tends to show that only children generally tend to do better than children from larger families.
My son has Asperger's syndrome (a mild form of autism). After 8 years of trying to help my boy, I am beginning to get a little weary of all the advice I receive. I've spent a fortune on therapists of various types, each one pushing his own agenda. Where's the proof that Lavoie's approach works with anyone other than Lavoie's own patients? For that matter, how do I know that Lavoie's own patients really improved their social skills, compared to other kids whose parents tried some other way? There are a lot of charlatans out there preying on the hopes of desperate parents. I wish I knew whether or not Lavoie is one of them.
Amazon.com
Ever since the night that deputy White House counselor Vincent Foster was found dead in a Washington, D.C., park, conspiracy theories about his death have abounded. Everyone from evangelist Jerry Falwell to talk-show host Rush Limbaugh has weighed in with his or her own version of events: Foster was murdered; his body was moved; the investigation into his death became a giant cover-up. Christopher Ruddy, a reporter for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, a paper owned by conservative Richard Scaife, has entered the fray with The Strange Death of Vincent Foster.
As Ruddy goes over the evidence, it becomes increasingly clear that the initial investigative work by the park police and the FBI was mishandled--evidence was poorly collected and documented, the autopsy was hardly comprehensive, and eyewitness accounts differed drastically. In addition, the role of White House counsel Bernard Nussbaum in obstructing the police search of Foster's office and belongings was undoubtedly out of line. Do shoddy police work and overzealous political posturing add up to a vast governmental conspiracy? Ruddy suggests they do; readers of The Strange Death of Vincent Foster may or may not reach the same conclusion.
Book Description
On a humid July day in 1993, White House deputy counsel Vincent W. Foster was found dead in Fort Marcy Park in suburban Virginia. One of the nation's highest-ranking federal officers, Foster was a boyhood friend of President Bill Clinton and a close confidant of First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton. His death sent shock waves through the White House and the nation's capital.
The death was quickly pronounced a suicide. According to the official story that soon emerged, Foster was depressed, angry, and isolated. With nowhere else to turn, he went to a secluded park near the Potomac River, put a gun in his mouth, and killed himself.
But is that what really happened?
In this compelling and fully documented report, investigative journalist Christopher Ruddy answers that critical question. Ruddy, who has covered the case almost from the start, details the disturbing inconsistencies surrounding Foster's alleged suicide, chronicles the botched investigations, documents the frenzied illegal activity in the White House in the hours after Foster's death, and notes the persistent failure of mainstream media to ask the right questions.
Throughout his thorough investigation of the available forensic and circumstantial evidence, Ruddy weaves a disturbing tale of cover-ups, abuse of power, police and prosecutorial incompetence, and press indifference. His startling conclusion -- that despite the official line, Foster could not have killed himself in Fort Marcy Park -- will persuade even the most skeptical reader to demand a full public investigation into the mysterious circumstances of the death of Vincent Foster and the troubling events in its aftermath.
Customer Reviews:
Looking at Washington corruption through a keyhole.......2007-09-16
On July 20, 1993, Deputy White House Counsel Vincent W. Foster, Jr. was found dead in Fort Marcy Park, Virginia. On January 27, 1994, Christopher Ruddy became the first American journalist to write anything about the death that was both based upon actual interviews of witnesses at the park and called into question the official suicide ruling. With this book he reached another milestone. More than four years after the death he became the first person to have a serious, critical book on the Foster death published by a "mainstream" publisher.
The book, like his reporting on the case, first for the New York Post and later for the Pittsburgh Tribune Review, is thick with facts that contradict the official version, a version which we have, up to now, only been given by the initial Special Prosecutor, Robert Fiske, in a sparse, double-spaced, 58-page report (We are not counting the numerous journalists, most notably James Stewart in the Simon and Schuster book, Blood Sport, who have also peddled the official suicide-from-depression story.).
Here's an outline of some of the most important evidence that Ruddy reveals to us:
The Body
Foster was laid out as though ready for a coffin with his legs straight and his arms down by his side.
He was neat and tidy. None of the gore that one would expect when a person has blown his brains out with a .38 caliber revolver was present. Only a trickle of blood was seen oozing from the nose and the corner of the mouth. No samples of skull, brain tissue, or hair were collected, or even reported seen, on the ground or vegetation. There was no large pool of blood. There was no blow-back on the barrel of the gun, his hand, or the sleeve of his shirt. His teeth were not chipped nor his mouth damaged from, as we were told, having held the pistol's barrel deep in his mouth when he fired it.
None of the witnesses in the park reported seeing the large exit wound at the crown of the head that is in the autopsy report of Dr. James Beyer, a man with a record of serious mistakes on autopsies resulting in suicide rulings when murder was more likely. On his report, Dr. Beyer checked that he took X-rays and an attending policeman wrote on his report that Dr. Beyer had told him that the X-rays showed no bullet fragments in the head, yet Dr. Beyer later said, and Fiske reported, that no X-rays were taken because the machine was not working. Service records on the X-ray machine, however, belie the claim that it was not working.
An emergency worker at the park has testified to having seen a small wound on the right side of the neck . Ruddy claims to have seen a photograph leaked to him from Kenneth Starr's office that shows a similar neck wound. Recently, a document was uncovered in the National Archives that indicates that medical examiner Dr. James Haut also reported seeing a neck wound. A good part of the Polaroid photographs taken of the scene have disappeared, and it has been claimed that the 35-mm photos taken by the principal police photographer were spoiled by under-exposure.
The Gun
Neither police nor FBI apparently ever showed the gun found in Foster's hand to immediate family members for identification. The gun was an old 1913-vintage Colt made up from parts of two or more guns. The preponderance of evidence suggests that it was not Foster's gun.
The earliest witness said there was no gun in the hand when he saw the body. The next witness, a Park Policeman, also saw no gun, though he claims not to have looked very closely. One of the earliest emergency workers to arrive has given sworn expert testimony that the gun he saw was an automatic, not a revolver.
No fingerprints from Foster were on the gun or the bullet shell casings.
Powder markings on the webbing between thumb and forefinger of both hands indicate either that Foster held the gun in an impossibly awkward position, someone caused the markings to be there after the death, or Foster was trying to ward off a shot by grabbing the gun by the front cylinder gap.
No matching bullets to the two shells (one spent) in the gun were found anywhere.
The supposed fatal bullet was never found.
The police ruled suicide before ever testing the gun to see if it was functional and had been fired. Originally, the Park Police gave erroneous information about the testing of the gun.
The Note
The note that has been liberally interpreted as a suicide note was reportedly found in a briefcase that had been emptied, searched, and inventoried in front of several investigating officials.
Though torn into 28 pieces, none of Foster's fingerprints were on it.
The Capitol Hill policeman to whom it was unaccountably sent for authentication is not a certified handwriting examiner, and he used only one document putatively written by Foster for comparison.
A serious effort was made to keep a photocopy of the note out of the hands of the public.
A trio of respected handwriting examiners, including the world's leading authenticator of literary manuscripts from Oxford University in England, has declared that the note is a forgery.
Senator D'Amato's Whitewater Committee, seemingly forgetting about their subpoena power, refused to look into the authenticity question because "the family would not turn over the note."
One could continue in this vein with equally strong sketches under "The Spurious `Depression'," "The Car and the Keys," "Doctored Statements and Intimidated Witnesses," "The Time of White House Notification," and several other categories, but space is limited and we would not want the reader to think that he now has no need to read the book. The book is well worth its price if only for the truly splendidly-rendered morality play described in Chapter 9 (The chapters, unfortunately, are not named; they are only numbered.). Ruddy seems to be the proverbial fly on the wall as "the hero of the story," federal attorney Miquel Rodriguez makes what looks like a serious attempt to get at the truth, grilling witnesses before the grand jury, only to be undercut at every turn by his superiors, Mark Tuohey and Kenneth Starr. Rodriguez eventually gives up and unceremoniously resigns. Properly executed, this chapter by itself would make a very powerful movie.
The first thing that has to come to anyone's mind as he reads these shocking revelations is "Why haven't I heard any of this before? There is information here that would have sold newspapers by the ton and kept people glued to the TV screens. Whatever happened to the aggressive free press motivated, if not by a love of truth, at least by profit, and where are the sleuths of Watergate?" Ruddy has no answer. He doesn't even bother to ask the question. What terrible secret, incriminating to so many, must lie behind the Foster death? He also has no explanation as to why the supposed "opposition" Republicans have rolled over like trained seals. Again, he fails even to ask the question.
Instead, with as powerful a case as he has, Ruddy gives up the moral high ground by choosing to have his book touted on the dust cover by William Sessions, the man who directed the FBI at the time of the Ruby Ridge and Waco outrages. The tone of the endorsement, the first thing that most readers will see, is so timid and defensive that it almost amounts to damning with faint praise: "Mr. Ruddy has carefully avoided drawing undue inferences about the death. It is legitimate to question the process employed by authorities to make their conclusions."
Ruddy, seeming not to recognize the strength of his hand, echoes Sessions' tone near the book's end with a long, inadequate response to the patently spurious and insincere arguments that he has heard against his pursuing the case "not only from media colleagues, but from leading political and law-enforcement figures as well." Does he not realize that it is they, not he, who have the answering to do?
Finally, I am troubled by Ruddy's omission of a number of crucial facts about the case. To cite the worst example, he does not tell us that well before his book went to the printers the witness, Patrick Knowlton, had filed suit for witness intimidation against a number of individuals working for the FBI. Rather, there is only mention in a chronology in an appendix that Knowlton "file(d) suit in federal court alleging the government violated his civil rights." From what we are told it sounds like no more than a trivial nuisance suit, but it is far more than that. After Starr had closed the case the Knowlton suit was the public's best chance of learning the truth, but Ruddy would seem to prefer that we know virtually nothing about it.
The other major pressure point is with the Congress, and the Republicans there, particularly Chairman Dan Burton of the House Government Oversight and Reform Committee, once a lonesome Congressional champion of truth in the Foster case, completely escape censure by Ruddy. These omissions and others, sad to say, are more than enough to make one question Ruddy's motives. Does he, the outsider who started out at the Rupert Murdoch-owned New York tabloid and then fell to the tiny suburban Pittsburgh newspaper owned by that notable funder of conservative causes, Richard Mellon Scaife, want too badly to be accepted by the cozy, thoroughly discredited club of "media colleagues" and "leading political and law-enforcement figures?" Some things, he should recognize, are more important than that.
Packed with facts and information!.......2007-06-19
I picked up this book not knowing much about Vincent Foster, or the scandals that surrounded the Clinton's. I was younger then, and now that Hillary is running for President I thought I should know.
Firstly, Ruddy should be commended for his exhaustive efforts in putting together an informative book. No doubt he has sifted through countless documents and interviews, and probably spent countless nights digesting all of it.
Pretty much after the first ten pages I knew Foster did not kill himself, which left me to wonder what the remaining 300 pages would consist of. This book has a LOT of information and at times it can feel overwhelming. I thought it might have felt less so had Ruddy separated his book into chapters by points of concern or contradiction, followed by facts backing up each point. I realize this approach is difficult, for Foster's death is murky and had it been easy to discern the truth the case would be solved by now. Instead Ruddy's book goes back and forth with events discussed previously resurfacing later.
One thing's for sure, you get more from Ruddy's book if you come in with some pre-knowledge of other key players: McDougals, Webster Hubbel, Craig Livingstone, Whitewater, Travelgate, even Bill and Hillary, to name a few! This book is like a piece of a puzzle that fits better when you have all the pieces. These people and cases are important and Ruddy doesn't necessarily fill you in with details, (it's a bit annoying at times, but it certainly cuts down on the length of his book). Ruddy does include a couple pages in the Appendix covering a bit about these people, as well as a few timelines that are helpful.
Overall, this is no novel, it's an investigate study packed with facts and information and you'll certainly have your fill of it.
Loved it, read it........2006-06-29
There are certain occurrences which come into play during the Clinton administration like so many deaths during his reign, Chinagate etc. Read this and look deeper than what is written.
Great book!.......2001-08-20
A fascinating account of yet another bungled White House cover-up. The author is to be commended not only for writing a compelling book but also for his excellent research skills. It is obvious from reading some of the negative reader reviews that many people write reviews without reading anything but the flyleaf. Books like these only make me more grateful to be a Canadian!
The Strange Death of the Truth.......2001-07-20
This book is nothing more than a compilation of hypothetical "what ifs." The author posits no evidence and does nothing more than simply spew forth his opinion that the Clintons are evil and therefore must be up to foul play. Treat this book like the hogwash that it is.
Average customer rating:
- A n Interesting &Thoughful Discussion of Frienships
- Friendship
- Is it time to move on or renew a friendship
- Disappointed
- Bad Friends do Exist!
|
When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
Jan Yager
Manufacturer: Fireside
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback
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ASIN: 0743211456 |
Amazon.com
Does anything hurt worse than betrayal by a close friend? Sociologist and friendship expert Jan Yager (Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives) explores failed, hurtful, and destructive friendships in When Friendship Hurts.
The book describes 21 types of potentially negative friends. The "Rival," for example, is envious to the point of malice. The "Blood-sucker" expects you to be there every moment. The "Controller" must be in charge of everything, from where you meet for lunch to whom you date. Yager lays out strategies for dealing with the problems when you want to keep the friendship, while also warning about extreme behavior and discussing triggers that lead to friendship conflicts, such as jealousy, anger, and change (of marital status or job, for example). Yager also guides you to examine your own destructive or harmful traits and recognize patterns in your family background that affect your friendships.
Overall, this book will help you learn how to deal with destructive friendships--when and how to save them, when and how to end them, and how to cope when a business friendship goes wrong. Yager, who has appeared on Oprah and other TV programs, also encourages you to celebrate the joys of positive friendships. --Joan Price
Book Description
"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?"
We've all had friendships that have gone bad. Whether it takes the form of a simple yet inexplicable estrangement or a devastating betrayal, a failed friendship can make your life miserable, threaten your success at work or school, and even undermine your romantic relationships.
Finally there is help. In When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, recognized internationally as a leading expert on friendship, explores what causes friendships to falter and explains how to mend them -- or end them. In this straightforward, illuminating book filled with dozens of quizzes and real-life examples, Yager covers all the bases, including:
The twenty-one types of negative friends -- a rogues' gallery featuring such familiar types as the Blood-sucker, the Fault-finder, the Promise Breaker, and the Copycat
How to recognize destructive friends as well as how to find ideal ones
The e-mail effect -- how electronic communication has changed friendships for both the better and the worse
The misuse of friendship at work -- how to deal with a co-worker's lies, deceit, or attempts at revenge
How to stop obsessing about a failed friendship
And much more
The first highly prescriptive book to focus on the complexities of friendship, When Friendship Hurts demonstrates how, why, and when to let go of bad friends and how to develop the positive friendships that enrich our lives on every level. For everyone who has ever wondered about friends who betray, hurt, or reject them, this authoritative book provides invaluable insights and advice to resolve the problem once and for all.
Customer Reviews:
A n Interesting &Thoughful Discussion of Frienships.......2007-09-14
Painstakingly researched and annotated, Jan Yager adroitly translates the psychology of friendships - both healthy and unhealthy - in clear understandable style.
In one of her studies she determined that over two-thirds of the participants had been betrayed by someone they considered a friend, which is why she wrote the book. The stages of reaction and recovery mimic those of the five stages of grief but with somewhat different alternatives. Sometimes you may wish to continue a friendship from a distance if the person benefits you in some way. Sometimes you may need to turn the figure around and look at what you might have done.
I read this book on a plane ride to a reunion with two very long-term friends who grew up with me and lived on the same street (A canceled flight and misrouted luggage provided ample time). As kids, our small group walked to school, came home for lunch, and ran in a pack. We added members as they moved in and out and stayed out long after dark playing hide and seek. The whole neighborhood knew us and kept our parents posted.
Our lives took different paths and locations, but we remain friends. It's curious since we are now all retired that we have reunited twice now for vacations and will likely do so again. I read to them the twenty-one characteristics of destructive friendships. Each of us could put one or more names with most characteristics, but it was usually a relative or someone with whom we worked. Our conclusion was that those who commit any of the destructive behaviors were never friends at all.
Friendship.......2007-09-09
This book is a perfect for those young and old who need to know how to deal with people who seem to love to hurt others. This is a guide which parents could use to talk about with their teens as a source of inspiration that might help them help their children help themselves.
Is it time to move on or renew a friendship.......2006-11-07
Yager writes a wonderful book on friendships that have gone bad. While not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, many do, and when friendships start to go sour what do you do? Jan Yager has a clear understanding of what healthy relationships should be, and how they should make you feel, and that you have a responsibility in them. She also has clear guidelines of when friendships start to go badly what can be done.
My favorite part of the book is her short quiz on is the relationship harmful she asks:
1. Is your friend trustworthy
2. Does your friend return your phone calls?
3. Does your friend always keep appointments or meetings and promises?
4. Do other friends praise this friend?
5. Do you enjoy listening to your friend?
6. If you have an opposite-sex friend, and you're both romantically involved with others or married, does your friend's romantic partner know about your friendship?
7. Is your friend someone you're proud of?
8. Is your friendship based on who you both are now, rather than on what you were when you first became friends?
9. After you see your friend, do you fiend yourself thinking, "Wow, I'm glad we're friends?"
10. Does your friend respect your boundaries and your privacy?
She also describes different types of bad friendships and gives suggestions on what you can do to stay in them, or leave the relationship. She does have you ask yourself is the friendship healthy? Was it healthy? Are you up to investing enough into the friendship to make it work again? Most importantly, is the friendship worth saving?
I found her book helpful, and a good guideline on having healthy friendships with others. While this is not a complete book on friendships, it is a good starting point. This book will have you evaluate relationships that may have past their prime, and those relationships that should be salvaged. I would definately recommend this book to anyone that may have nagging questions about friendships that they may have.
Disappointed.......2006-07-27
I was disappointed with this book --it was much more simplistic than what I was looking for. It seemed to carry a theme throughout: if your friend has problems, such as depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc., and they affect the friendship, it's best to end the friendship unless they go for therapy. The author advocates making and keeping friendships that are described as fairly ideal. That sounds great to me, but it just didn't seem very realistic, but rather black and white.
I found one story in the book particularly unsettling. The author tells of one of her own college friendships. Ms. Yager says that her friend, "Cindy," told her that she had tried to kill herself. Ms. Yager speculates on her friends' upbringing and then says that at the time, she felt betrayed by Cindy's suicide attempt, "as if it were a slap in the face of our friendship." Ms. Yaeger says, "Looking back, my thinking, however selfish and confused at the time, may not be all that atypical. My first response was to wonder how much she cared about me as a friend if she was willing to cause me to suffer, as I would have if she had succeeded." The author goes on to say that the friendship fell apart over the next year or two, and that she knew it wasn't due to the fact that they lived in different cities, as she had other friendships like that that worked. She said the main reason was that Cindy's mental illness scared her. The author says that she has thought from time to time of trying to find Cindy to see if she got help and her life turned out okay -- but that she never has, and that the reason she never has is because she has so many positive, healthy friendships now, and therefore she takes "the coward's way out" and does nothing.
What I thought was helpful about this story was that there are readers who might relate to how scary it is to learn that a friend is suicidal, and how problematic it can be. But mostly I found some things about the story, as told, a little disturbing. The author is a PhD Sociologist now -- not a layman about mental health issues. I'm wondering why a professional is still a "coward" about this incident. I also noticed that the author calls the many other friendship incidents in the book "betrayals," but when she relates her own story, she describes her behavior toward her friend as merely "insensitive" and says that she did what was probably typical. In a great many of the other stories, the author analyzes what childhood problems may have led to the betraying actions in the friendships, but in her own story, she just leaves it at "I wonder what happened to Cindy?" I'm not suggesting that the author must analyze her own reaction in this example from her life, but it strikes me as odd given the fact that she does so in so many of the other stories. I also wonder why the author doesn't end her story about her suicidal friend by suggesting to readers how serious it is when a friend talks of suicide, and what basic things to do when that happens, without becoming enmeshed yourself - the author is a PhD Sociologist.
I found the book to be encouraging and validating in it's message of not letting destructive friendships go on and on and bring undue unhappiness and problems into your life, but it was too black and white for me, with too little insight into navigating through the problems. To me, the author seems to be justifying her own unintentional betrayal of her friend, and that really gives me pause.
Bad Friends do Exist!.......2006-07-21
I read this book as follow up to reading FRIENDSHIFTS by the same author, Jan Yager. I was really looking to evaluater some experiences I had with friends and if what was done was mean or just friends being friends. I wanted to know how can we get past this OR can I just get this person out of my life after being so close for so long. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS made me realize that I had already tried to save this friendship and nothing was going to save it in the near future. This bad friendship was serving nothing positive in my life. I decided to end the friendship even with the sadness that may come...most of which I have already felt during the betrayal. This book gives you specifics about ending a friendship and the proper etiquette of doing it. It also details out different categories that friends fall in. Reading this helps you to understand where your friends are coming from and when to cut them some slack. The best take away besides learning how to end my bad friendship was that there are positive friends in my life and room for more positive ones if I choose! You do not need to be stuck with a bad friend just because you have known them for so many years or been through triumphs and struggles with them or live in the same city...
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