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Southern California psychiatrist William Glasser, the author of Reality Therapy, believes that almost all human misery is caused by people trying to control others. In fact, he says, the only behavior we can control is our own; by the same token, no one can make us do anything we don't want to. It's only when we give up spending our energy trying to force others to conform to our ideas or to keep them from doing the same to us that we are able to live the way we want to. Glasser makes this somewhat difficult material easier to understand with examples and case studies from his own practice. For instance, he tells a man whose wife has left him that his only choices are to change what he wants her to do or to change the way he is dealing with her. While doing these things will not necessarily bring his wife back, Glasser says, it will certainly make him feel better. "When we actually begin to realize that we can control only our own behavior, we immediately start to redefine our personal freedom and find, in many instances, that we have much more freedom than we realize," Glasser writes.
Book Description
Dr. William Glasser offers a new psychology that, if practiced, could reverse our widespread inability to get along with one another, an inability that is the source of almost all unhappiness.
For progress in human relationships, he explains that we must give up the punishing, relationship–destroying external control psychology. For example, if you are in an unhappy relationship right now, he proposes that one or both of you could be using external control psychology on the other. He goes further. And suggests that misery is always related to a current unsatisfying relationship. Contrary to what you may believe, your troubles are always now, never in the past. No one can change what happened yesterday.
Customer Reviews:
Mixed Feelings.......2007-09-13
How do you evaluate the statement: "No successful life exists without a satisfying relationship"? How do you evaluate the statement: "Rheumatoid arthritis is caused by your choosing it"? These are two of many broad and overbroad ideas (or half-truths) William Glasser offers in his very long book. Some ideas made me quite uncomfortable, as when watching a health commercial on tv that is full of gimmickry, particularly when the author offers not one iota of scientific study to back up some of his extraordinary claims. Is choice theory a secular version of Christian Science?
The book does have its positive influences, however. It allowed me to think about myself solely in terms of my Total Behavior and to think well about the assertion: "All I am about is behaving." It also allowed me to consider whether my behavior allows me to be closer to someone I want in my life or whether my behavior is destructive to my desire of being closer to someone. William Glasser's advocacy of a non-coercive, non-manipulative approach to relationships is totally refreshing, and is clear and sensible.
The book itself, despite the ordinary and simple words used, is nonetheless difficult to read from cover to cover. I failed to be interested in all the personal or interpersonal narratives (or case studies) that he presented so as to arrive at the essential strands which comprise choice theory for any given individual. I failed to be interested in how choice theory works in schools, in disputes over Workers' Compensation, in the workplace, and in the community, all of which comprise several long chapters. His writing style is newspaper prose, prolix, plain and garrulous.
According to Mr. Glasser, choice theory works everywhere and anywhere - and at any time. How do you evaluate such a claim? With a grain of salt.
I'm glad I read this book, but everything I wanted from this book was found (finally) in the very last chapter in which William Glasser lists the essential elements comprising choice theory. If this chapter were at the front of the book, it would have given the reader a chance to choose how much of the book he or she would want to read. That, too, ought to be part of choice theory's practicality in the concrete.
Good read so far.......2007-07-29
I have only read a few chapters; but, it has already made a difference in my views toward behavior.
Excellent resource for coaches!.......2007-07-14
I am a family and life coach and focus mainly on coaching parents and teens. Glassers' books is definitely among resources I provide to parents.
William Glasser states that "control can take many forms that can start from a disapproving glance ..." Using control on children and youth does not teach them how to make their own choices. Practicing Choice Theory with children can help them learn to think for themselves and have more confidence in themselves and the choices they make.
Choice Theory brings forward the idea that we are all in control of our lives and that we can attain the freedoms we all want and need. The seeds of unhappiness are planted when we are young and impressionable - when people think they know what is right or wrong for us and then try to force what they know is right.
I found Glasser's book reaffirmed my theory that we do not have to be victims forever and that we have choices to take our experiences - good or bad - and grow from them.
An excellent Choide.......2007-06-27
This is the best self help book that I have found. While the word psychology may scare you off, it is not tough reading. The principals described seem like common sense, once you think about them. This book has proven to be useful in multiple areas of my life and I am actually giving out copies of this book to everyone I see that could use it. You cannot go wrong in spending time with this book. Reality Therapy, by the same author, provides a good example of where choice theory came from. I have read over a dozen psychology books and this is by far my favorite.
Everyone should get a copy!.......2007-03-16
I love this book. Even though it contains so much information we all know, already, it somehow was just what I needed when I needed it.
I give this as a gift to a lot of my middle aged single male friends who cant get past their ex's or cant get on with life as a singleton.
I totally CHOOSE to take responsibility for my life, where I go, what I do, and how I do things. My past is my responsibility and I accept that and embrace it. It is very freeing.
I highly recommend that you read this book and embrace your choices in life. We all have them!
A great read, and even better rule for life.
Average customer rating:
- Intimate Relationships: Issues, Theories, and Research
- Review from a college student
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Intimate Relationships: Issues, Theories, and Research
Ralph Erber , and
Maureen Wang Erber
Manufacturer: Allyn & Bacon
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ASIN: 0205187064 |
Book Description
Presented at a level equally suited for beginning and advanced students of the field, Intimate Relationships covers material both classic and current.
Chapters range from attraction to love, from attachment to jealousy, from conflict to relationship dissolution - all written in a warm, personal, and engaging voice. Each chapter is organized around the major issues and relevant theories, in addition to a critical evaluation about the research. When appropriate, the authors discuss and evaluate popular ideas about relationship processes in the context of the scientific research. This includes critical evaluations of evolutionary approaches to attraction, victim-based counts of abuse, and the separate-cultures view of the sexes.
For anyone interested in relationship theory.
Customer Reviews:
Intimate Relationships: Issues, Theories, and Research.......2005-07-07
A first class book worth reading over and over again because it is filled with information and is very, very informative concerning relationships. This is one of the best books I have ever read about the subject and I have read many.
Review from a college student.......2002-05-03
I've never written a review for a book before, so not sure quite how it goes. I wanted to say that this is an excellent book - it was used as a "text" book for my college class "Psychology of Love" and it was one of the best books I ever read. Although it does have a "text-book" style, it is easy reading and the information is interesting and informative. Erber and Erber discuss several different theories associated with love, and begin the book with what attracts one another, all the way to dissolution of love. I'd recommend this book to anyone interested in expanding their knowledge and thoughts on love. In addition I'd recommend reading it in conjunction with Robert Sternberg's Love is a Story book, isbn 0195131029.
Customer Reviews:
a brilliant synthesis.......2007-01-15
Stephen Mitchell was one of the original group of analysts who began to differentiate (along with Jay Greenberg) between drive/defense models of the self (e.g., Freud) and relational models. In this book Mitchell applies the relational perspective to several areas of clinical concern, including sexuality, childhood development, narcissism, and theories of change and healing. I recommend this book in the Theories of Depth Psychology graduate courses I teach; it is clear and refreshing and brings analytic thought a new and vitalizing emphasis on image, metaphor, story, and other aspects of the weave of relations we all remain in even when alone.
most influential book in psychoanalysis I've read.......2004-11-18
I know people say this all the time, but I cannot recommend this book enough. As a developing clinician, this book has given me a tremendous advantage in conceptualizing cases. Mitchell draws on the best of the best in psychoanalysis and presents a very clear, convincing, and amazingly helpful integration.
Impressively clear and careful.......2000-06-27
This book is one of the most clear, careful, and rigorous contemporary psychoanalytic theoretical texts around. Mitchell writes with the logic and incisiveness of an analytic philosopher or logician. Although one might wish his depictions of specific clinical examples were a bit more textured and colorful, the theoretical arguments here are some of the best and most clearly stated around. I hope that more contemporary psychoanalytic theorists will become able to achieve this level of theoretical clarity and rigor.
Average customer rating:
- A comprehensive resource for therapists
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Child Abuse Trauma: Theory and Treatment of the Lasting Effects (Interpersonal Violence:The Practice Series)
John N. Briere
Manufacturer: Sage Publications, Inc
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ASIN: 080393713X |
Book Description
"This book is the best this practitioner has seen for its practical definitions and concrete suggestions. At the same time, it reviews what research there is and notes the many areas in need of further study. . . . The controversial use of hypnosis for the recovery of repressed memories and gender differences in reaction to abuse are particularly well covered. I recommend this book for all practitioners and educators." --Mary J. Coe, review in The American Journal of Family Therapy "I found this both remarkably informative (the book provides an excellent synthesis of current literature on child abuse research) and liberating when thinking about past and present clients. Briere has a special talent for making sense of the internal experience of child abouse survivors. An excellent book which should be on the bookshelf of counsellors or therapists working with adolescents or adults. " --Peter Yeo in Counselling Researchers and clinicians in the child abuse field have tended to specialize in one form of maltreatment, rather than examining the interrelationship between the various types of abuse and neglect. In response to this fragmentation, Child Abuse Trauma offers a fresh perspective that considers unique and overlapping long-term effects of all major forms of child abuse and neglect. From sexual and physical abuse to maltreatment by alcoholic or drug-addicted parents, from the exploration of solutions to the parameters of treatment, this enlightening volume outlines complex ways in which abuse impacts later psychosocial functioning. Briere reframes traditional notions of psychopathology and describes with optimism and compassion treatment approaches to abuse-related posttraumatic stress, interpersonal dysfunction, self-destructive behavior, impaired self-reference, and borderline personality disorder. This thought-provoking and important volume will be an invaluable tool for abuse specialists and general therapists who want to understand the connection between many forms of psychological distress and the lasting impacts of child maltreatment. Students in the fields of psychology, victimology, family studies, gender studies, and sociology will also benefit from this book. "John N. Briere has written an important and eminently readable book. As any clinician can attest, without appropriate intervention, hurt children often grow up to be hurt adults. This book describes a process by which former child victims of maltreatment--adult survivors--can move beyond the trauma and long-term negative sequelae of their experiences. Unlike many professionals, who tend to focus on a specific area of child maltreatment (e.g., adult survivors of sexual abuse, physical abuse), Briere presents a model that clinicians will find useful regardless of the type of maltreatment experienced by the client." --Families in Society "The book is well written and provides a thorough integration of research and theory in the area. It is an excellent reference guide for clinicians and may be useful for scholars in the social sciences as well. The content is compassionate and elucidating as the author sets out to debunk myths surrounding victims of child maltreatment. Briere makes a strong case for therapy centering around survivors' strengths rather than focusing on individual psychopathology. . . . Child Abuse Trauma is an excellent overview of an abuse perspective. Briere is objective and is careful to discuss potential drawbacks to abuse-oriented therapy." --Contemporary Psychology "This book is, among other things, an excellent reference guide. . . . Dr. Briere's special talent is in making sense of the internal experience of child abuse survivors. He helps us understand that much of what seems pathological is really creative, albeit ultimately dysfunctional strategies for survival." --from the Foreword by Lucy Berliner "Major forms of child abuse, including psychological, physical, and sexual, as well as emotional neglect and living with substance-addicted parents, are covered here. . . . This is an excellent, intense study by an experienced psychotherapist; it alerts clinicians, novices or experienced, to the frequency of child abuse and suggests how it can be understood and treated in later life." --Henry Hicks, Ph.D., Maimonides Community Mental Health Center, Brooklyn, New York "The book is very state-of-the-art. I particularly like the treatment sections that address the issues of co-dependency and hospitalization. I can't say enough about John N. Briere's ability to communicate. The book is concise and yet its scope is amazing. . . . This is a remarkable and brilliant book. . . . I learned a lot from reading it and feel quite energized and stimulated." --Eliana Gil, Ph.D., Private Practice "Briere, a proficient writer, is also a clinical psychologist specializing in psychological trauma, and this book is based on his extensive clinical experience and scholarly research with adult survivors of child abuse. . . . Includes a good reference guide and a combined author-subject index. Graduate; faculty; professional." --Choice "This reviewer found Child Abuse Trauma to be an informed and useful guide to understanding and treating child abuse survivors. A unique aspect of the book is its focus on the broad spectrum of child abuse trauma and the interrelationships among the various forms of abuse and their consequences. . . . Illustrative case examples are utilized throughout the book. The work is indeed a welcomed and helpful pioneering effort in the fledgling field of child abuse-focussed treatment. The significant value of the book makes constructive criticism difficult. . . . A major strength of the book is that Briere manages to be theoretical and scholarly, yet also practical. Clinicians will find enormously valuable this focus on issues and dilemmas which inevitably arise during trauma therapy. For example, the book includes an excellent discussion on when and how to explore abuse-related memories, versus when and how to prepare clients for this work and support them in the work. The section on dealing with self-issues is also particularly elucidating and helpful. . . . The author bravely addresses notions such as 'codependence,' 'resistance,' and borderline personality' and their limited usefulness in abuse-focused treatment. . . . Generalist clinicians occasionally serving abuse survivors will find it illuminates and informs trauma treatment. Clinicians specializing in abuse-focused therapy will discover much of value in this volume, and I would anticipate, find themselves recommending it to supervisees as well as seasoned colleagues." --The Advisor "Briere offers what is known and seems to be working in individual, one-to-one psychotherapy to treat seven major psychological disturbances found in survivors: post traumatic stress, cognitive disorders, altered emotionality dissociation, impaired self-reference, disturbed relatedness, and avoidance." --The Women's Advocate "Child Abuse Trauma has much to offer psychotherapists who treat child abuse survivors. Its strength lies in the attention Briere devotes to a supportive, eclectic, and multimodal psychotherapeutic approach, and his ability to demonstrate the interrelations between child maltreatment and adult psychopathology. . . . Briere successfully illustrates that trauma during childhood engenders effects that persist into adulthood, and that traditional psychotherapy must be reframed to deal better with the complex nature of child abuse." --Family Relations ABOUT THE SERIES: "A project with an exciting blend of scholarship and practical expertise." --David Finkelhor, University of New Hampshire
Customer Reviews:
A comprehensive resource for therapists.......2001-01-03
John Briere is a leader in the field of child abuse treatment and is therefore exceptionally knowledgeable on this topic. That exceptional knowledge shines through in this book. Clearly written and well organized, I highly recomend it to any therapist or human services worker who wants to increase her skills in assisting abuse survivors. -Sharice Lee- Author "The Survivor's Guide."
Book Description
This introduction to success in the workplace presents business psychology in clear, layman's language, helping readers understand how the application of psychology can help them improve individual and organizational effectiveness. It addresses the latest topics, including the new model of career advancement, gender differences in communication style, managing conflict through cognitive restructuring, human aspects of adjusting to technology, the problem of online addictions, the portfolio career, career downshifting, prospering in a learning organization, dealing with a micromanaging supervisor, 360-degree feedback, cultural diversity and ethics in the office, and other relevant topics with the goal of developing an appreciation of key principles and findings of the psychology of individual behavior. For human resources, industrial/organizational psychology, and general business managers and professionals.
Customer Reviews:
".....a must read for leaders in business and those who want to be.....".......2007-04-12
Andrew J. Dubrin's book, Applying Psychology, is a nice exercise in the practice of business psychology. It is a first step for those who plan to become Industrial Psychologist and most likely will be required reading in your undergraduate studies.
The hidden value of this book is that inside its pages lie a treasure chest of information that can enhance any career.
Applying Psychology 6th edition covers such important topics as how values and beliefs influence job behavior. It addresses issues of perception like how people interpret the world and why perceptual problems exist. It teaches about methods and the importance of communication in the work place and emphasizes the value of understanding yourself by helping the reader learn how to develop self-awareness.
This fine textbook is a must read for leaders in business and those who want to be. It explains the sources of motivation and offers various techniques in self-motivational techniques. It is filled with several workshops designed to reveal tendencies and personality traits that can help a leader be the best that they can be.
Book Description
The facts are nothing short of startling--no matter how many people seem to walk down the aisle, the divorce rate in America is at a record high. What's the secret to getting into a happy marriage and, even more important, staying in one? Now world-renowed psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser and his wife, Carleen Glasser, update their classic guide to successful marriages, Staying Together, for couples young and old. As they examine the questions of why some marriages work and others fail, the Glassers advise readers on how to create loving and happy relationships by applying Dr. Glasser's trademark "choice theory." The result is a wealth of new information about who would make a compatible partner and how to improve any relationship.
Customer Reviews:
Glasser, the choice theory master.......2006-08-21
William Glasser really helps me to understand the basics of a healthy relationship...how and why we tend to get and stay together, and ways to sustain relationships. His advice is rooted in healthy common sense. I would recommend this to anyone who wants to find or retain a good 'significant other' type relationship. Glasser's "Choice Theory" is another must-read.
One of the greatest thinkers of the past 50 years!.......2001-11-25
William Glasser, a world-renowned psychiatrist currently about 75 years old, originally came strongly into the limelight because of his seminal work in the 1960s, Schools without Failure. This book, and the progressive educational movement which arose from it, has been studied in teacher-training programs around the country for the last 30 years. In the early 1980s, Dr. Glasser developed an additional theory of human relationship for which he is also famous. It was originally called "control theory" and later renamed "choice theory" in the book by that same name from the 1990s. This book, Getting Together and Staying Together (GTST) is in the tradition of Dr. Glasser's choice theory ideas.
Of Dr. Glasser's published works, besides GTST, I have so far read the following: Schools without Failure, Control Theory, Choice Theory, The Language of Choice Theory, Reality Therapy in Action, What Is This Thing Called Love?, and Fibromyalgia: Hope from a Completely New Perspective. Based on reading all these books, my opinion is that if you are just discovering Dr. Glasser, GTST is probably the very best of his many works for your initial introduction to choice theory for the following reasons: (1) the book is relatively short; (2) it is easy to read; (3) it goes very concisely and clearly into every aspect of choice theory; (4) the information in it applies to every kind of relationship, not just marriage.
I am very impressed with Dr. Glasser's chosen writing style. I have not been privileged to hear Dr. Glasser speak in person, but my guess is that the reason his prose is so extremely accessible is that he writes in the same sensitive, direct, caring voice he uses to train therapists and to counsel his clients. As he so profoundly states in this and many of his other books on choice theory, the foundation of all progress in therapy is the client's trust in the therapist. And trust is based in several important qualities of the therapist, including: simplicity, honesty, directness, empathy and compassion.
Another cornerstone of Dr. Glasser's remarkable ideas is the highly unusual belief that the purpose of therapy is to get done with it as quickly and effectively as possible. I have spent many frustrating years observing fellow mental health professionals who believe (because they were trained to, and because it is so very profitable a practice) that it is "simply not possible to begin any meaningful therapy until adequate time has been spent discussing the scope of the client's problem." Unfortunately for therapy clients, "adequate" is usually defined as a minimum of five, and usually ten, 50-minute sessions of rehashing the client's entire life history billed out at $100-250/hour. In delightful contrast, Dr. Glasser states that from the very first second that he meets a new client, he wants to get the therapy moving toward teaching the client self-reliance based in self-responsibility. In pursuit of this goal, he refuses to waste time mulling over the client's painful past. He believes a therapist's proper focus is what is making the client miserable, right now, and that this is invariably trouble with an important relationship.
In short, the overall goal of Dr. Glasser's unique therapy (called "reality therapy") is to lead his clients to see that they are =not= helpless, hopeless victims of fate. Instead, he assists them in discovering that they have the wherewithal, at all times and places, to examine the current choices they are making, figure out if those choices are causing more pain than they are eliminating, and make new and better choices as needed.
I would highly recommend this wonderful book to you if you feel you are having trouble achieving close, intimate, emotional connections with others (either through not having a close relationship at all, or not feeling intimacy with someone who is supposed to be very close to you, such as a spouse). Also, if you read this book or any other written by Dr. Glasser and are impressed with his ideas, you can get a referral for a therapist in your area trained at the William Glasser Institute by contacting the institute directly via the internet. (I am not permitted to provide the web site here, but I located it easily for myself by using a search engine.)
Love after Marriage.......2000-06-12
Whoever wrote the words "for better or worse" into the marriage vows obviously had some experience of what the Glassers call "the mystery of marriage". How is it that people who get together into this most public of declarations of love find it so hard to stay together or even to stay as friends? The book "Getting Together and Staying Together" examines this issue in detail referring to marriage as "a practice in desperate need of improvement".
The book has an interesting history. It is written by a well-known and very experienced psychiatrist and his wife is co-author. It is a rewrite of a book that Dr. Glasser himself published in 1995 practically on the eve of his marriage to Carleen. The new version collates the wisdom of both their professional lives and especially of their married life together. As such it is a wonderful mixture of the therapist's eye and a couple's down-to-earth daily experience. Where the original "Staying Together" started from a Choice Theory perspective and applied it to marriage, this new book takes different marriage experiences as the starting point and processes the experiences in terms of Choice Theory. The mixture of e-mail messages, discussions, therapy examples and courageous self-disclosure by both authors bring this book to life and give it a very practical value. It even has a chapter on the surprisingly neglected topic of "sex after marriage".
Drawing interesting comparisons between marriage and friendship the authors show how the dangers of external control psychology creep so easily into married life. They speak of the "seven deadly habits" (criticism, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing) that hasten this death of marriage. They also point to how certain differences in a couple's needs intensities can make it more difficult to have a good relationship.
This book has a lot to offer any relationship but it would be fair to say that it deals most specifically with the more formal structures that encircle and threaten the marriage bond. The Glassers offer both the theoretical base and practical suggestions for improving, even resuscitating, a relationship. Most important of all, the book offers the reader a total shift in perspective. It elaborates a truly possible but not necessarily easy answer to the "joyless tedium" of an endangered relationship. It invites each person to take control of what the person really can control. One area it does not deal with explicitly is the changing nature of the relationship when children are born but it is a relatively easy matter for the reader to apply the Choice Theory principles to these and other situations.
I would very much recommend this book to anyone, married or not. Indeed it would provide excellent discussion material for pre-marriage courses and even for social and personal classes for young people. This is one of those rare books where the authors are preaching what they already practise ... and it's very definitely "for better".
Average customer rating:
- Truth be told
- Clarity and Courage
- Disappointed
- A little circular, yes. But somewhat helpful.
- Terrific book
|
The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships
Harriet Lerner
Manufacturer: Harper Paperbacks
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ASIN: 0060924632 |
Book Description
When The Dance of Deceptionwas published, Lerner discovered that women were not eager to identify with the subject. "Well, I don't do deception" was a common resonse.
We all "do deception", often with the intention to protect ourselves and the relationships we depend on. The Dance of Deceptionunravels the ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real -- even to our own selves. We see how relationships are affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending and by brave -- but misguided -- efforts to tell the truth.
Truth-telling is at the heart of what is most central in women's lives. It is at the foundation of authenticity and creativity, intimacy and joy. Yet in the name of "honesty", we can bludgeon each other. We can approach a difficult issue with such a poor sense of timing and tact that we can actually shut down the lines of communication rather than widening the path of truth-telling.
Sometimes Lerner's advice takes a surprising turn -- for example, when she asks us to engage in a bold act of pretending in order to discover something "more real"; or when she tells us not to parachute down on our family to bring up a "hot issue" without laying the necessary groundwork first.
Whether the subject is affairs, family secrets, sexual faking or the challenge of "being oneself", Lerner helps us to discover, speak and live our own truths.
Customer Reviews:
Truth be told.......2007-10-03
Perhaps the truth can set us free, but it seems that the first step is to free that truth within us. The Dance of Deception provides an insightful overview of how our own personal truths get blocked by both systemic forces such as society, cultural expectations, family secrets, as well as by inner forces such as overwhelming emotions, personal narratives, and internal confusion. Harriet explores the process of truth-telling in women's lives which begins with tuning into our own personal truths and then effectively sharing these truths with others. Her book clearly illuminates how the quest for our deepest truths is a prerequisite for authentic relationships with both the self and others.
Clarity and Courage.......2003-02-13
Harriet Lerner has long been writing books that are both insightful and accessible. In 'The Dance of Deception' she has achieved something miraculous: she has written a book that can help you reconnect with estranged family members and friends, improve your rapport with your children, no matter their age, and, perhaps most importantly, help alleviate the pain that deception has caused you in your own life. I have suffered greatly because of family secrets and have also struggled recently to communicate with my loved ones about painful topics. This book has served as an indispensable guide through these difficult processes and has helped me emerge a stronger, happier person. I am greatly indebted to Harriet Lerner. And I firmly believe the world is a better place for having her in it!!
Disappointed.......2002-05-09
After reading The Dance of Anger, I was charged with energy to change patterns in relationships that I had fallen into. I thought this book would have a similar effect, because I know that I hide things that seem too painful to discuss. However, I couldn't get into it because it seemed more of a political agenda than a guide to improving relationships. What on earth does the author's stance on abortions (very pro-choice) have to do with deception in personal relationships? I haven't gotten much constructive self-knowledge out of this book.
A little circular, yes. But somewhat helpful........2002-01-20
Wow. I consider myself to be a truthful, honest person. I hate liars and hypocrites more than I hate anything else in the world. So I had to take a really deep breath and really THINK when I finally woke up to the idea that truth and honesty are not always what they should be. I took a good, long, ugly look at myself and realized that I use truth as a weapon, rather than as a tool. I am not always honest with people because I want to create a better relationship. I am sometimes honest just to be hurtful, to shock people, or to get attention away from whoever is monopolizing the conversation at the moment. Hm. Ugly!
The problematic relationship (s) in my life are like cans. I can pick up a big ol' truth-sledgehammer and knock the heck out of that can, or I can use truth gently, like a can opener and let that can open up and get to what's inside.
One option gives me the satisfaction of 'letting so and so have it' because I'm darn tired of biting my tongue and pretending that things are OK when they're NOT. And the other option lets me be honest, but gives the other person (the can) the chance of telling truth back to me, too.
The feminist rhetoric falls short, as it always does with me. If you don't want to hang out in the kitchen and pop out babies, for heaven's sake, DON'T. But don't blame men if that's what you decide to do with your life and then change your mind later. Don't you think men change their minds about wanting to be married daddies sometimes, too? There is too much blaming going on. People need to own their lives. If you know your situation is messed up, you know enough to change it.
Also, the whole thing about minorities and tokens rings very false when Lerner presents the statistic in her final chapter that women actually outnumber men in the world. So, hello? How can we consider to whine and consider ourselves a token or a minority when we are numerically superior? I don't really get that at all.
Anyway. 4 stars. It's an eye-opener!
Terrific book.......2001-09-25
I think this is Harriet Lerner's best book. I has the clearest and most helpful chapter on family secrets that I've ever read. The chapter called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Orifice" is worth the price of the book. The chapter on affairs, even though controversial, should be helpful to all couples, especially if you think your partner will never cheat on you.
Average customer rating:
- Aim For Your Relationship Stars & Reach Them!
- The Essential Book To Guide You Through Your Romantic Life.
- Help for those struggling in relationships
- Best theoritical book there is in the field.
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Mapping the Terrain of the Heart: Passion, Tenderness, and the Capacity to Love
Stephen Goldbart , and
David Wallin
Manufacturer: Jason Aronson
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Similar Items:
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Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers we Choose
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Attachment in Psychotherapy
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Sex, Love, and Dharma: Finding Love Without Losing Your Way
ASIN: 1568217900 |
Book Description
Charts six skills that are necessary for a stable love relationship: the capacities for erotic involvement, for merging, for idealization, for integration, for refinding, and for self-transcendence.
Customer Reviews:
Aim For Your Relationship Stars & Reach Them!.......2006-07-13
The first thing that struck me about Mapping the Terrain of the Heart was a sense of having come home to a place that really understood and clarified the beauty alongside the struggles of committed relationships. The next thing that struck me was the sense of hope and direction to be able to thrive in a relationship that has flaws as well as fortune. And finally, I was thrilled to learn how to turn anger into empathy, disappointment into clear-eyed forgiveness, and a developing love affair into a lasting committed relationship with happiness and certainty despite the anxieties that come with human love. I have been reading and re-reading and marking up and highlighting and learning from and gifting this book ever since I was given a copy. This book works! And I am convinced it is due to the writers' encouraging belief that each of us has passion, tenderness and the capacity to love, love long, love well, love brilliantly.
The Essential Book To Guide You Through Your Romantic Life........2001-10-01
In my personal quest to find romantic intimacy I have read dozens of books. This is simply the most profound, dead-on, flat-out brilliant book I have ever come across. "Mapping The Terrain of the Heart" will help you clarify if your ideals of romantic love are realistic or simply serving as a defense against finding intimacy. It will help you to understand your style of relating - whether you are a "merger hungry" or "merger wary." It will help you understand how you find "chemistry" with some people while others leave you cold. It will help you to understand why what excites you is healthy and how not to simply "find" the right relationship - but to "build" it. In an extremely readable and clear way the authors explain how psychoanalytic theory is a powerfully clarifying microscope for understanding the patterns that you may find yourself limited by. I have been re-reading this book for over ten years now and have come to think of it as my "romantic compass" for finding out if I may be heading for true north, or whether I'm lost in the desert. This book has transformed my knowledge of my self and and of those I have gotten close to.
Buy this book, it will help you to find what you're looking for.
It really will.
Help for those struggling in relationships.......1999-09-30
Mapping the Terrain is a wonderful resource for individuals who have difficulty staying in a relationship. It looks at the six capacities of loving; erotic involvement, merging, idealization, integration, refinding, and self-transcendence. This book will help you to identify the barriers to maintaining a relationship, why this happens, and what you can do about it. A great resource for individuals who fall in love but struggle to stay in love.
Best theoritical book there is in the field........1999-01-04
This is actually a reprint of Mapping the Terrain of the Heart; The Six Capacities That Guide the Journey of Love" (Item # 0201608650). Goldbart and Wallin are the authors of the original work, not editors of an anthology. This is the best description I've ever seen of the tasks to be worked on by couples in a committed relationship. Honeymoons will go sour for reasons embeded in the forming of the relationship. It is wise to know what's ahead, so you can plan for it. At least you will not be surprised by what unfolds. The basis for my opinion is extensive reading in the field and more personal experience than there is room for me to describe. The book is well written but terse; it is not an easy read.
Book Description
A clinician's Rosetta Stone for understanding and treating presenting problems
"I highly recommend this book to therapists of all persuasions."--Allan N. Schore, department of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences, University of California at Los Angeles School of Medicine
In this important book, noted author, teacher, and psychologist Althea J. Horner shows how to reveal, understand, and use the powerful core relationship problem -- which is formed from earliest childhood and creates an image of the self in relation to others -- so it can act as a Rosetta stone for understanding the underlying conflict that repeatedly plays out in a client's behavior. Once this essential element is uncovered, clinicians learn how to work with their clients to successfully resolve common presenting problems.
Book Description
The "relational turn" has transformed the field of psychoanalysis, with an impact that cuts across different schools of thought and clinical modalities. In the six years following publication of Volume 1, Relational Psychoanalysis: The Emergence of a Tradition, relational theorizing has continued to develop, expand, and challenge the parameters of clinical discourse. It has been a period of loss, with the passing of Stephen A. Mitchell and Emmanuel Ghent, but also a period of great promise, marked by the burgeoning publication of relational books and journals and the launching of relational training institutes and professional associations. Volume 2, Relational Psychoanalysis: Innovation and Expansion, brings together key papers of the recent past that exemplify the continuing growth and refinement of the relational sensibility. In selecting these papers, editors Lewis Aron and Adrienne Harris have stressed the shared relational dimension of different psychoanalytic traditions, and they have used such commonalities to structure the best recent contributions to the literature. The topics covered in Volume 2 reflect both the evolution of psychoanalysis and the unique pathways that leading relational writers have been pursuing and in some cases establishing.
Customer Reviews:
Relational psychoanalysis - the new paradigm.......2007-01-16
Since Stephen Mitchells untimely death in Dec, 2000, relational psychoanalysis for a historical second hesitated where to turn to. But now it came clear: best theorists and clinical experts contributed to this second volume on classical papers about relational psychoanalysis which had been promoted so vividly by Steve Mitchell. After psychoanalysis has paradigmatically been centered around drive, followed by ego, self and object, it's entire core emerges here and you can follow the subtle lines of thinking in theoretical details. It's core is relational and understanding the kind of relationship you are engaged in. So you find in this volume a careful selected blend of classical papers presenting the new understanding of treatment topics as holding another mind in mind, of theory of conflict, new look on emotion, dimensions of communication, relatedness in supervision or even in perversion. New insights are really available. For all interested in modern psychoanalytic developments of treatment and highly sophisticated theorizing this reading is a must.
Michael B. Buchholz
Relationists Rule!.......2006-04-27
This is a terrific book. Not only is it easy to absorb, but it is downright absorbing! There is much to be said about new excavations in the world of psychoanalysis, and this book details explorations into the prosaic as well as the bizarre. The structure, ie, the editors' comments first, the chapter, and then the afterword, all serve to put the content into perspective for the reader. As a lay learner, I highly recommend this book to students of mind studies, as well as to all persons interested in understanding more about their own psychology. Move over classicists! The emergence of this new tradition is one that will be here to stay. Relationists rule!
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